Make a point today of stopping any veteran you see in your neighborhood and thanking him or her for their service to protect our freedoms.
After months of meetings with his top advisers, CBS is reporting that President Obama settled on a new strategy for the war in Afghanistan.
… He’s decided to send in Joe Biden to bore the Taliban to death.
A man and woman in Britain have become the oldest couple in the world to divorce, at the age of 98.
… It looks like they’re each going to have to move back in with their parents.
… They were both fooling around with younger people; octogenarians.
Former President Bill Clinton visited Capitol Hill Tuesday to discuss the health care bill with Democrats in the Senate.
… So, apparently treatment for STD’s will be covered.
… And he asked if there were any hot female reporters who needed rescuing from foreign dictators.
“Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare 2” came out Tuesday and is expected to make $30 million in its first day.
… Wow, that’s “Alex Rodriguez” money.
Modern Warfare 2 is rated "M" (Mature) by for Blood, Drug Reference, Intense Violence, and Language.
… Oh yeah, and the kids from “Gossip Girl” have a threesome.
It has a suggested retail price of $59.99.
… But, my friend Larry has copies in the trunk of his car for 12 bucks.
In Rhode Island during the state girls soccer championship a fight broke out which ended with one of the girls dragging another completely across the soccer field by her hair.
… Girl fights? Finally, something that will stimulate the popularity of soccer in America!
… It was the championship game between the Providence Bully Neanderthals and the Pawtucket Compliant Future Homemakers.
A new article in U.S. News and World Report estimates that by 2018, 67% of Americans could be dependent on the government for their livelihood.
… The other 33% will continue working for Walmart.
“Sesame Street” premiered 40 years ago on PBS. Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch are still played by the same man, Caroll Spinney.
… We don’t know what made Oscar grouchy 40 years ago; but today, it’s prostate problems.
… “A” is still for apple and “B” is for bubble, just like 40 year ago. But today, “E” is for erectile dysfunction.
The Kansas City Chiefs released controversial running back Larry Johnson Monday.
… When the news got out that the team had cut Johnson off, Lorena Bobbitt declared the Chiefs her new favorite team.
A play about legendary Green Bay Packers coach Vince Lombardi will come to Broadway next fall.
… That company of actors is going to rehearse and rehearse and rehearse, and then rehearse some more, until they win a Tony.
… You haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen Bart Starr and Jerry Kramer dance together and sing a duet.
Competitive eater Joey Chestnut won the first ever Meatball Eating Championship in Las Vegas on Sunday after consuming 50 meatballs in 10 minutes.
… Early next year, he is favored to win the Competitive Eating, Competitive Breathing, and Competitive Sleeping Triathlon.
First Lady Michelle Obama made a special appearance on the 40th season premiere of “Sesame Street”.
… That whole “Change you can believe in” gimmick was great when it came time to show kids how you break a $1 bill.
Monday in Berlin, Hillary Clinton and German Chancellor were wearing almost identical outfits. Both wore blue jackets, black pants, black shoes, and even wore their hair the same way.
… Makeup hid the Adolf Hitler mustache that Bill put on Hillary with permanent marker on Halloween.
Chrysler is no longer engineering electric cars, even though they were given billions of dollars in federal bailout money to engineer electric cars.
… Chrysler said they will give that money back. Ha-ha-ha-ha, I love that joke! Come on people, this is the auto industry; we are not getting the money back.
This week, all three CSIs (CSI: Miami, CSI: New York and CSI) are combining for the first time in a triple crossover storyline.
… The last time this happened, The Beverly Hillbillies and the Dick Van Dyke Show all appeared on Gilligan’s Island and America’s head exploded.
A health care worker in Canada was fired from his job for giving NHL players preferential access to the swine flu vaccine.
… If the NHL was really interested in getting rid of a Canadian virus, shouldn’t they dump Sean Avery?
The largest domestic airlines posted their best on-time rate in September since 2003.
… Most flights landed in the river right on time.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
Tuesday's monologue jokes, Nov. 10, 2009
Congressman Joe Cao of Louisiana was the only Republican to vote for the Democrats’ health care bill over the weekend.
… It was all a mistake. He thought you still had to raise your hand to go to the bathroom.
The Dow hit its highest point in a year today, just days after unemployment went over 10% last week.
… Just think, if we’d have a real depression and hit maybe 25% unemployment, then the Dow would go through the roof! Oh, we can only pray!
The NY Giants have now lost four straight games after winning their first five games of the season.
… Just one more loss and Eli Manning will officially have to change his last name.
… Do you know who is having the easiest time with this losing streak? Plaxico Burress.
The New York Giants have a week off, what is known as a "bye."
… That’s different from the Yankees. When the Yankees have a “buy” week, they are usually purchasing another team’s starting rotation.
Monday was the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall.
… Twenty years is a long time ago. Half the people on the street think Checkpoint Charlie runs the falafel stand down on Broadway.
Researchers in France have discovered a certain genetic trait can double a person’s risk of having a pot belly.
… They look for that orange Cheetos residue on your fingertips.
Susan Boyle, from “Britain’s Got Talent”, will perform on “Dancing with the Stars” next week.
… Still, Tom DeLay will be the frumpiest person ever to appear on that show.
A new study found that hormone fluctuations make it harder for women to sing while they are pregnant.
… In other news, Amy Winehouse has been pregnant her entire career.
The health care bill passed on Saturday will provide insurance for 96% of Americans.
… That other lucky 4% are the people who approved the bill.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said that President Obama’s visit to Capitol Hill on Saturday inspired Democrats to pass a health care bill.
… And, Joe Biden’s visit to Capitol Hill inspired Congress to install a mute button on House microphones.
Disney’s “A Christmas Carol” won the weekend box office, with $31 million, while “Michael Jackson’s This Is It” slipped to second place with $14 million.
… At one point in “A Christmas Carol”, Ebenezer Scrooge wakes up from a nightmare and demands that his doctor put him to sleep with Propofol.
The World Series of Poker is going on in Las Vegas right now, with nine finalists are competing for $8.55 million.
… And, they are all down to their bras and underpants.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton attended ceremonies in Berlin Monday to mark the 20 years since the collapse of the Berlin wall.
… The only thing to collapse more dramatically than the Berlin Wall – Hillary’s marriage.
… Hillary actually picked up off the ground a couple of loose pieces of the Berlin Wall. She’s decided that when she rifles things at Bill’s head, she wants them to have historical meaning.
Beauty pageant winner Miss England gave up her title on Friday after she was involved in a nightclub brawl.
… So, winning the talent competition wasn’t the only benefit to being a master at using brass knuckles.
… She beat some broad half-to-death with her rhinestone crown.
More than two-dozen students at a school in Chicago were arrested last week for taking part in a food fight during lunch.
… That’s just wrong! They should have made it a learning experience. “I John threw a ham sandwich at Janet at 11:40am. And Larry threw macaroni and cheese at Fred at 11:45am. How many minutes would pass before the fire alarm would be pulled and the police would arrive, interrupting the group of students having sex in the stairwell?”
A 68-year-old woman in South Korea finally passed her driving test on her 950th try last week.
… She’ll be driving 12 miles per hour directly in front of you on the way to work tomorrow.
In a victory for President Obama, the House passed a health care bill on Saturday night in a 220-215 vote.
… Supporters said, “It’s needed; it is fair; and we, as Congressman, don’t have to get stuck with it!”
A new poll found that 80% of people in California believe their state is moving in the wrong direction.
… The people I talk to are moving to Oregon, Vegas, Arizona, anywhere! Those all seem like good directions.
… It is especially true during one of their famous earthquakes that slides them into the Pacific Ocean.
A company in Britain unveiled a $2.5 million personal submarine that can dive to 1,000 feet below sea level.
… A dedicated explorer might find discarded Congressional ethics, long-forgotten TV talent, or maybe the Clippers NBA title hopes.
… For another $2.5 million, you can get it to re-surface.
The Spiderman float will be back in this year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade for the first time since 1998.
… So, for the first time since 1998, I have one more reason to not watch the Macy’s Parade.
Doctors in Britain are now using Botox injections to tighten sagging breasts.
… It works great as long as you don’t puncture the implant.
Police in California found a Volkswagen van that was stolen 35 years ago in Washington.
… It was parked in a secluded spot where people rarely visit; it was outside a Clippers game.
Researchers in Britain have found that drinking eight cups of tea a day can help fight heart disease, improve brain power, and lead to longer lives.
… In America, we’re asking “how much longer can you live if you eat 8 Snickers bars made with antioxidant dark chocolate every day?”
… It was all a mistake. He thought you still had to raise your hand to go to the bathroom.
The Dow hit its highest point in a year today, just days after unemployment went over 10% last week.
… Just think, if we’d have a real depression and hit maybe 25% unemployment, then the Dow would go through the roof! Oh, we can only pray!
The NY Giants have now lost four straight games after winning their first five games of the season.
… Just one more loss and Eli Manning will officially have to change his last name.
… Do you know who is having the easiest time with this losing streak? Plaxico Burress.
The New York Giants have a week off, what is known as a "bye."
… That’s different from the Yankees. When the Yankees have a “buy” week, they are usually purchasing another team’s starting rotation.
Monday was the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall.
… Twenty years is a long time ago. Half the people on the street think Checkpoint Charlie runs the falafel stand down on Broadway.
Researchers in France have discovered a certain genetic trait can double a person’s risk of having a pot belly.
… They look for that orange Cheetos residue on your fingertips.
Susan Boyle, from “Britain’s Got Talent”, will perform on “Dancing with the Stars” next week.
… Still, Tom DeLay will be the frumpiest person ever to appear on that show.
A new study found that hormone fluctuations make it harder for women to sing while they are pregnant.
… In other news, Amy Winehouse has been pregnant her entire career.
The health care bill passed on Saturday will provide insurance for 96% of Americans.
… That other lucky 4% are the people who approved the bill.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said that President Obama’s visit to Capitol Hill on Saturday inspired Democrats to pass a health care bill.
… And, Joe Biden’s visit to Capitol Hill inspired Congress to install a mute button on House microphones.
Disney’s “A Christmas Carol” won the weekend box office, with $31 million, while “Michael Jackson’s This Is It” slipped to second place with $14 million.
… At one point in “A Christmas Carol”, Ebenezer Scrooge wakes up from a nightmare and demands that his doctor put him to sleep with Propofol.
The World Series of Poker is going on in Las Vegas right now, with nine finalists are competing for $8.55 million.
… And, they are all down to their bras and underpants.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton attended ceremonies in Berlin Monday to mark the 20 years since the collapse of the Berlin wall.
… The only thing to collapse more dramatically than the Berlin Wall – Hillary’s marriage.
… Hillary actually picked up off the ground a couple of loose pieces of the Berlin Wall. She’s decided that when she rifles things at Bill’s head, she wants them to have historical meaning.
Beauty pageant winner Miss England gave up her title on Friday after she was involved in a nightclub brawl.
… So, winning the talent competition wasn’t the only benefit to being a master at using brass knuckles.
… She beat some broad half-to-death with her rhinestone crown.
More than two-dozen students at a school in Chicago were arrested last week for taking part in a food fight during lunch.
… That’s just wrong! They should have made it a learning experience. “I John threw a ham sandwich at Janet at 11:40am. And Larry threw macaroni and cheese at Fred at 11:45am. How many minutes would pass before the fire alarm would be pulled and the police would arrive, interrupting the group of students having sex in the stairwell?”
A 68-year-old woman in South Korea finally passed her driving test on her 950th try last week.
… She’ll be driving 12 miles per hour directly in front of you on the way to work tomorrow.
In a victory for President Obama, the House passed a health care bill on Saturday night in a 220-215 vote.
… Supporters said, “It’s needed; it is fair; and we, as Congressman, don’t have to get stuck with it!”
A new poll found that 80% of people in California believe their state is moving in the wrong direction.
… The people I talk to are moving to Oregon, Vegas, Arizona, anywhere! Those all seem like good directions.
… It is especially true during one of their famous earthquakes that slides them into the Pacific Ocean.
A company in Britain unveiled a $2.5 million personal submarine that can dive to 1,000 feet below sea level.
… A dedicated explorer might find discarded Congressional ethics, long-forgotten TV talent, or maybe the Clippers NBA title hopes.
… For another $2.5 million, you can get it to re-surface.
The Spiderman float will be back in this year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade for the first time since 1998.
… So, for the first time since 1998, I have one more reason to not watch the Macy’s Parade.
Doctors in Britain are now using Botox injections to tighten sagging breasts.
… It works great as long as you don’t puncture the implant.
Police in California found a Volkswagen van that was stolen 35 years ago in Washington.
… It was parked in a secluded spot where people rarely visit; it was outside a Clippers game.
Researchers in Britain have found that drinking eight cups of tea a day can help fight heart disease, improve brain power, and lead to longer lives.
… In America, we’re asking “how much longer can you live if you eat 8 Snickers bars made with antioxidant dark chocolate every day?”
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Monday's monologue jokes, Nov. 9, 2009
The Tournament of Roses has announced that Captain “Sully” Sullenberger will be Grand Marshall of the 2010 Rose Parade and Rose Bowl Game.
… That means, after the traditional fly-over, a B-1 bomber will scrape to a halt in the LA River bed.
A politician in New Zealand is facing criticism after he proposed a new program that would pay people not to have kids.
… So, urging people to “go down under” means a lot more than just suggesting they visit New Zealand.
A man in Washington claims that United Airlines would not let him sit in first-class because he was wearing a tracksuit on the plane.
… Unfortunately for him, his team logo showed he was a member of the “Going Down in Flames” track club.
Police in Florida arrested a mailman for drunk driving after he was found passed out in the back of his mail truck.
… This explains why those letters from your girlfriend never smelled like perfume, but did smell like David Hasselhoff.
After the Yankees won the World Series on Wednesday night, their manager Joe Girardi helped a woman on his way home who had just got in a car crash.
… He stood under a street lamp and signaled the police: index finger to the nose, left cheek, chin, nose, chin, nose, right ear, left cheek, nose.
“The Ball”, the Big Wheel and the Game Boy will be inducted into the National Toy Hall of Fame in New York.
… This will be the fourth Hall of Fame induction for “The Ball”. It went into the Formal Social Dance Hall of Fame in 1910, the Baseball Hall of Fame; Pitches Other Than A Strikes Division in 1938, and into the Male Reproductive Organs Hall of Fame the day Eve ate the apple.
… “The Ball”? Isn’t that a little like inducting “The Wheel” into the Engineering Hall of Fame?
The National Toy Hall of Fame is 11-years-old.
… They’re disappointed in Texas; that’s what George W. Bush wanted to call his Presidential Library.
The MGM Mirage in Las Vegas lost $750 million in the last three months.
… I sensed trouble when the bookies there picked the Cubs to win it all.
In an interview with MTV, Chris Brown said he is “confused” about how the public perceives him since he attacked Rihanna.
… Chris, let me clear it up for you: YOU SUCK!
Michael Jordan’s son Marcus cost the University of Central Florida $3 million in sponsorship with Adidas after he wore a pair of Nike Air Jordan’s during a game this week.
… Have you seen the new Adidas ad campaign slogan? “Just Do It, and Screw Your School Out of the New HVAC System in the Gym”.
U2 and Jay-Z performed a free concert in Berlin to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall.
… When the concert was done, the entire stage was packed up in 20 minutes by the former East German Women’s Weightlifting Team.
During a speech to Native American leaders yesterday, President Obama said he understands what it “means to be an outsider.”
… The Indians then took over the White House, ate all the food in the refrigerator, gave valuable artifacts to their friends, and then stuck Obama on a useless piece of dirt near the cesspool. “Now, you know what it means to be an outsider.”
A new study found that that one in five iPhone users admits to frequently watching “adult material” on their iPhones.
… The other four said they feared getting an ear infection.
… Hustler has an app for that.
Mario Batali, Bobby Flay and Emeril Lagasse will be welcomed by Michelle Obama and allowed to use anything found in the White House garden when they tape an episode of “Iron Chef America” at the White House.
… All three chefs were advised not to cook with the Tonka trucks George W. Bush played with that are still buried there.
A woman in Minnesota will broadcast the birth of her first child on the Internet.
… I challenge you to tell the difference between the sound track of the Minnesota woman’s labor and delivery, and that of Packers fans as they lost last week to the Vikings.
Ford is set to unveil a new inflatable seat belt that will improve safety and comfort for backseat passengers.
… It’s also very handy for those times the brakes fail and you end up in a river. All of “Sully” Sullenberger’s flights should have them, too.
… That means, after the traditional fly-over, a B-1 bomber will scrape to a halt in the LA River bed.
A politician in New Zealand is facing criticism after he proposed a new program that would pay people not to have kids.
… So, urging people to “go down under” means a lot more than just suggesting they visit New Zealand.
A man in Washington claims that United Airlines would not let him sit in first-class because he was wearing a tracksuit on the plane.
… Unfortunately for him, his team logo showed he was a member of the “Going Down in Flames” track club.
Police in Florida arrested a mailman for drunk driving after he was found passed out in the back of his mail truck.
… This explains why those letters from your girlfriend never smelled like perfume, but did smell like David Hasselhoff.
After the Yankees won the World Series on Wednesday night, their manager Joe Girardi helped a woman on his way home who had just got in a car crash.
… He stood under a street lamp and signaled the police: index finger to the nose, left cheek, chin, nose, chin, nose, right ear, left cheek, nose.
“The Ball”, the Big Wheel and the Game Boy will be inducted into the National Toy Hall of Fame in New York.
… This will be the fourth Hall of Fame induction for “The Ball”. It went into the Formal Social Dance Hall of Fame in 1910, the Baseball Hall of Fame; Pitches Other Than A Strikes Division in 1938, and into the Male Reproductive Organs Hall of Fame the day Eve ate the apple.
… “The Ball”? Isn’t that a little like inducting “The Wheel” into the Engineering Hall of Fame?
The National Toy Hall of Fame is 11-years-old.
… They’re disappointed in Texas; that’s what George W. Bush wanted to call his Presidential Library.
The MGM Mirage in Las Vegas lost $750 million in the last three months.
… I sensed trouble when the bookies there picked the Cubs to win it all.
In an interview with MTV, Chris Brown said he is “confused” about how the public perceives him since he attacked Rihanna.
… Chris, let me clear it up for you: YOU SUCK!
Michael Jordan’s son Marcus cost the University of Central Florida $3 million in sponsorship with Adidas after he wore a pair of Nike Air Jordan’s during a game this week.
… Have you seen the new Adidas ad campaign slogan? “Just Do It, and Screw Your School Out of the New HVAC System in the Gym”.
U2 and Jay-Z performed a free concert in Berlin to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall.
… When the concert was done, the entire stage was packed up in 20 minutes by the former East German Women’s Weightlifting Team.
During a speech to Native American leaders yesterday, President Obama said he understands what it “means to be an outsider.”
… The Indians then took over the White House, ate all the food in the refrigerator, gave valuable artifacts to their friends, and then stuck Obama on a useless piece of dirt near the cesspool. “Now, you know what it means to be an outsider.”
A new study found that that one in five iPhone users admits to frequently watching “adult material” on their iPhones.
… The other four said they feared getting an ear infection.
… Hustler has an app for that.
Mario Batali, Bobby Flay and Emeril Lagasse will be welcomed by Michelle Obama and allowed to use anything found in the White House garden when they tape an episode of “Iron Chef America” at the White House.
… All three chefs were advised not to cook with the Tonka trucks George W. Bush played with that are still buried there.
A woman in Minnesota will broadcast the birth of her first child on the Internet.
… I challenge you to tell the difference between the sound track of the Minnesota woman’s labor and delivery, and that of Packers fans as they lost last week to the Vikings.
Ford is set to unveil a new inflatable seat belt that will improve safety and comfort for backseat passengers.
… It’s also very handy for those times the brakes fail and you end up in a river. All of “Sully” Sullenberger’s flights should have them, too.
Jerry Perisho in the Seattle Times, 11-8-09
A joke I recently wrote about pilot hero "Sully" Sullenberger and the Tourament of Roses has been included in Dwight Perry's great Sideline Chatter column of today's Seattle Times. To read today's Sideline Chatter column, click HERE.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Friday's monologue jokes, 11-6-09
During his speech in Madison, Wisconsin Wednesday, Pres. Obama said that "The currency of today's economy is knowledge."
… I’m sorry, but he is flat wrong. When a dude has sex with a hooker, she does not want to hear him recite the Gettysburg Address on his way out the door.
During his speech in Madison, Wisconsin Wednesday, Pres. Obama said that the $787 billion in stimulus money has helped save the jobs of 4,000 teachers in the state.
… But, it wasn’t enough to keep Bret Favre in Green Bay.
Lindsay Lohan posted on her Twitter page that her father needs a book on “how to be a man” after he released an audiotape of a personal conversation between the two of them.
… Maybe Samantha Ronson can lend him hers.
Kim Kardashian got a black eye when she was knocked out during a charity boxing match on Tuesday.
… If there is anyone who can get knocked on her ass and bounce right back, it’s Kim Kardashian.
Al Gore was in New York City, signing copies of his new book “Our Choice” at a Barnes & Noble.
… By the way, the book costs $26.99; you don’t get a choice.
… Barnes chose to love the book; Noble chose to augment his mulch pile with it.
The New York City Comedy Festival kicked off Wednesday night, and continues until November 18.
… Oh, so that’s what they’re calling this Knicks home stand.
Police in Florida are searching for thieves who stole 90 bras from a Victoria’s Secret store.
… Police describe the thieves as “armed and voluptuous”.
… The investigation started off slowly; it took the officers 45 minutes to unhook the latch on the back door.
An 11-year-old girl in Bulgaria gave birth to a baby after she went into labor on her wedding day.
… Let’s stop and count the number of things that are wrong with that sentence.
A man in South Carolina was sentenced to three years in prison for having sex with a horse.
… In South Carolina, “neigh” means “neigh”.
… Please Governor Sanford, get some help!
The AARP will endorse the Democrats’ $1.2 trillion health care reform bill. Have you taken a good look at Senator Robert Byrd?
… His AARP membership number is 4.
A man in Hong Kong was arrested after using his dead wife’s gym ID card for more than 2 years and working out in drag.
… The worst part was constantly being groped by his brother, the personal trainer.
Atlanta topped Forbes magazine’s list as the most toxic city in the US, while Las Vegas is the least toxic.
… It’s from the industrial waste dripping off their “Real Housewives”.
In a new interview with British GQ, Nicole Kidman says that she has “explored strange sexual fetish stuff” in the past.
… There’s “regular strange”; there’s “kinky strange”; and then there’s Tom Cruise.
The Parent’s Television Council sent a letter to the CW, criticizing the network for planning to air a “Gossip Girl” episode this Monday that features a threesome.
… The CW says the “ménage a trios” was written solely to help teenagers learn French.
… Someone made a mistake; “Gossip Girl” picked up the script written for “Three and a Half Men”. Over there, Charlie Harper is dealing with the heartbreak of someone reading his text messages.
Alabama and West Virginia have passed laws this year that would double the legal alcohol limit in beer to 13.9%.
… Well sure; how else are you going to work up the courage to marry your cousin, the mother of your children?
A judge in Canada ordered a 12-year-old boy to hand over his Nintendo Wii as part of an anger management program.
… All over the world, parents are trying to get 12-year-old boys to let go of their Wii’s.
7-Eleven will soon begin selling two low-priced wines in the U.S. and Japan; a chardonnay and cabernet sauvignon, which will retail for $3.99.
… These bottles don’t even have screw caps. The Iranian store manager has to shoot off the top with the shotgun he’s stashed behind the counter.
A new poll found that the X-ray is considered the most important modern discovery.
… Finishing a close second: the X-rated movie.
… I’m sorry, but he is flat wrong. When a dude has sex with a hooker, she does not want to hear him recite the Gettysburg Address on his way out the door.
During his speech in Madison, Wisconsin Wednesday, Pres. Obama said that the $787 billion in stimulus money has helped save the jobs of 4,000 teachers in the state.
… But, it wasn’t enough to keep Bret Favre in Green Bay.
Lindsay Lohan posted on her Twitter page that her father needs a book on “how to be a man” after he released an audiotape of a personal conversation between the two of them.
… Maybe Samantha Ronson can lend him hers.
Kim Kardashian got a black eye when she was knocked out during a charity boxing match on Tuesday.
… If there is anyone who can get knocked on her ass and bounce right back, it’s Kim Kardashian.
Al Gore was in New York City, signing copies of his new book “Our Choice” at a Barnes & Noble.
… By the way, the book costs $26.99; you don’t get a choice.
… Barnes chose to love the book; Noble chose to augment his mulch pile with it.
The New York City Comedy Festival kicked off Wednesday night, and continues until November 18.
… Oh, so that’s what they’re calling this Knicks home stand.
Police in Florida are searching for thieves who stole 90 bras from a Victoria’s Secret store.
… Police describe the thieves as “armed and voluptuous”.
… The investigation started off slowly; it took the officers 45 minutes to unhook the latch on the back door.
An 11-year-old girl in Bulgaria gave birth to a baby after she went into labor on her wedding day.
… Let’s stop and count the number of things that are wrong with that sentence.
A man in South Carolina was sentenced to three years in prison for having sex with a horse.
… In South Carolina, “neigh” means “neigh”.
… Please Governor Sanford, get some help!
The AARP will endorse the Democrats’ $1.2 trillion health care reform bill. Have you taken a good look at Senator Robert Byrd?
… His AARP membership number is 4.
A man in Hong Kong was arrested after using his dead wife’s gym ID card for more than 2 years and working out in drag.
… The worst part was constantly being groped by his brother, the personal trainer.
Atlanta topped Forbes magazine’s list as the most toxic city in the US, while Las Vegas is the least toxic.
… It’s from the industrial waste dripping off their “Real Housewives”.
In a new interview with British GQ, Nicole Kidman says that she has “explored strange sexual fetish stuff” in the past.
… There’s “regular strange”; there’s “kinky strange”; and then there’s Tom Cruise.
The Parent’s Television Council sent a letter to the CW, criticizing the network for planning to air a “Gossip Girl” episode this Monday that features a threesome.
… The CW says the “ménage a trios” was written solely to help teenagers learn French.
… Someone made a mistake; “Gossip Girl” picked up the script written for “Three and a Half Men”. Over there, Charlie Harper is dealing with the heartbreak of someone reading his text messages.
Alabama and West Virginia have passed laws this year that would double the legal alcohol limit in beer to 13.9%.
… Well sure; how else are you going to work up the courage to marry your cousin, the mother of your children?
A judge in Canada ordered a 12-year-old boy to hand over his Nintendo Wii as part of an anger management program.
… All over the world, parents are trying to get 12-year-old boys to let go of their Wii’s.
7-Eleven will soon begin selling two low-priced wines in the U.S. and Japan; a chardonnay and cabernet sauvignon, which will retail for $3.99.
… These bottles don’t even have screw caps. The Iranian store manager has to shoot off the top with the shotgun he’s stashed behind the counter.
A new poll found that the X-ray is considered the most important modern discovery.
… Finishing a close second: the X-rated movie.
Jerry Perisho in the New York Times, 11-5-09
If you read the Laugh Lines column of today's New York Times, you'll see that a joke I recently wrote is included. To read today's Laugh Lines column, click HERE.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Thursday's monologue jokes, 11-5-09
Sesame Street turns 40 later this month.
… Bert already gave Ernie his first prostate massage.
The Chinese government has approved construction of a $3.5 billion Shanghai Disneyland, to be completed in about 6 years.
… Pluto will be there on opening day; in a bowl, served with rice and soy sauce.
… Mickey Mouse will be there on opening day; on a bun with ginger sauce.
In his reelection acceptance speech Tuesday night, New York Mayor Bloomberg said, "You ain't seen nothing yet."
… He was standing on a phone book and barely peering over the top of the podium at the time.
This joke was used in the monologue on "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon" on Thursday morning, Nov. 5, 2009
President Obama called and congratulated Republican Governor Bob McDonnell Wednesday after he ousted the incumbent Democratic governor in Virginia.
… Obama then moved Virginia to the bottom of the swine flu vaccine waiting list.
The New York Post printed up posters of the Phillies' pitcher Pedro Martinez as a "baby in diapers" with the phrase, "Who's your Daddy?!"
… “Who’s Your Daddy?”, isn’t that this year’s slogan for the NBA?
After 82 years, the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade will have a new route! It will no longer travel down Broadway; instead, it will head down 7th and 6th Avenues.
… High-demand “spitting window seats” are going for $500.
… I remember the incident last year where they kept trying to tie down Kirstie Alley and Kevin Federline.
According to the New York Post, Bruce Springsteen is working on an autobiography, and could get $10 million for it.
… Max Weinberg will accompany him on the book tour.
The Irish accent has been voted the sexiest in the world.
… Think about it; what is sexier than a naked leprechaun?
Alabama and West Virginia just passed laws that would allow beer-makers to DOUBLE the alcohol content of beer.
… So, just in those two states, “near beer” can now be called – beer.
A doctor in New York created a new iPhone app that lets people see what they would look like if they got plastic surgery.
… All it does is bring up a photo of Nancy Pelosi.
In a new interview with Glamour magazine, Rihanna says that after the Chris Brown incident she “went to sleep as Rihanna and woke up as Britney Spears.”
… So, apparently she had hairy armpits, didn’t own a pair of panties, and Kevin Federline was hounding her for alimony.
Health officials in Maryland are creating teams of staff members at hospitals around the state to secretly monitor doctors’ hand-washing.
… Remember staffers, licking does not count!
The debate between former Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush at Radio City Music Hall in February has been cancelled.
… The subject of the debate is “Modern Day Rockets”, but they both misunderstood. Bush thought they’d talk about the bottle rockets you sneak across the border from Mexico, while Clinton thought they’d be examining the Rockettes.
Senator Harry Reid said Tuesday that lawmakers may not complete health care reform by the end of the year, missing President Obama’s deadline.
… This didn’t come off like clockwork the way the exit from Guantanamo Bay did… oops, my mistake, never mind.
The mother of New York Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain could face 20 years in prison for selling meth.
… On the positive side, she is sure to be an early pick for the prison softball team.
… Bert already gave Ernie his first prostate massage.
The Chinese government has approved construction of a $3.5 billion Shanghai Disneyland, to be completed in about 6 years.
… Pluto will be there on opening day; in a bowl, served with rice and soy sauce.
… Mickey Mouse will be there on opening day; on a bun with ginger sauce.
In his reelection acceptance speech Tuesday night, New York Mayor Bloomberg said, "You ain't seen nothing yet."
… He was standing on a phone book and barely peering over the top of the podium at the time.
This joke was used in the monologue on "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon" on Thursday morning, Nov. 5, 2009
President Obama called and congratulated Republican Governor Bob McDonnell Wednesday after he ousted the incumbent Democratic governor in Virginia.
… Obama then moved Virginia to the bottom of the swine flu vaccine waiting list.
The New York Post printed up posters of the Phillies' pitcher Pedro Martinez as a "baby in diapers" with the phrase, "Who's your Daddy?!"
… “Who’s Your Daddy?”, isn’t that this year’s slogan for the NBA?
After 82 years, the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade will have a new route! It will no longer travel down Broadway; instead, it will head down 7th and 6th Avenues.
… High-demand “spitting window seats” are going for $500.
… I remember the incident last year where they kept trying to tie down Kirstie Alley and Kevin Federline.
According to the New York Post, Bruce Springsteen is working on an autobiography, and could get $10 million for it.
… Max Weinberg will accompany him on the book tour.
The Irish accent has been voted the sexiest in the world.
… Think about it; what is sexier than a naked leprechaun?
Alabama and West Virginia just passed laws that would allow beer-makers to DOUBLE the alcohol content of beer.
… So, just in those two states, “near beer” can now be called – beer.
A doctor in New York created a new iPhone app that lets people see what they would look like if they got plastic surgery.
… All it does is bring up a photo of Nancy Pelosi.
In a new interview with Glamour magazine, Rihanna says that after the Chris Brown incident she “went to sleep as Rihanna and woke up as Britney Spears.”
… So, apparently she had hairy armpits, didn’t own a pair of panties, and Kevin Federline was hounding her for alimony.
Health officials in Maryland are creating teams of staff members at hospitals around the state to secretly monitor doctors’ hand-washing.
… Remember staffers, licking does not count!
The debate between former Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush at Radio City Music Hall in February has been cancelled.
… The subject of the debate is “Modern Day Rockets”, but they both misunderstood. Bush thought they’d talk about the bottle rockets you sneak across the border from Mexico, while Clinton thought they’d be examining the Rockettes.
Senator Harry Reid said Tuesday that lawmakers may not complete health care reform by the end of the year, missing President Obama’s deadline.
… This didn’t come off like clockwork the way the exit from Guantanamo Bay did… oops, my mistake, never mind.
The mother of New York Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain could face 20 years in prison for selling meth.
… On the positive side, she is sure to be an early pick for the prison softball team.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Wednesday's monologue jokes, 11-4-09
Vice President Joe Biden was the guest of honor Monday night at an awards dinner in New York hosted by Women’s Campaign International, and was recognized for his role in authoring the Violence Against Women Act.
… Experts predict his acceptance speech should wrap up around Good Friday.
Two women got in a fist fight on the D train in New York after one women refused to cover her mouth when she coughed.
… It will be the basis of a brand new film, “The Phlegming of Pelham 1-2-3”.
Professional golfer Doug Barron just became the first player to be suspended by the PGA for taking performance enhancing drugs.
… What? What would they do, help you sharpen that little pencil faster?
… Just how much faster can you wash your balls?
A woman in Wisconsin called 911 to turn herself in for drunk driving.
… She was actually calling “4-1-1”, but hey, she was drunk.
In his first year in office, Pres. Obama has traveled to 16 foreign countries, more than any other President in history. In their first year in office, Bush traveled to 11 and Clinton traveled to 3.
… However, Clinton visited more young consulate secretaries than any other President.
During a speech Monday, Bill Clinton said he loved being president so much that he would have stayed until he was carried away in a coffin.
… And, Hillary had one all picked out.
… Then he asked the crowd, “Ever do it with a White House intern in a coffin?”
“American Idol” runner up Adam Lambert and his longtime interior designer boyfriend broke up last week.
… There’s going to be a nasty custody battle for the eye liner.
Russia has sparked outrage after “simulating” a nuclear air and sea attack on Poland during military exercises.
… You know, some previously-occupied nations just can’t take a joke.
A woman in Cincinnati says she lost her wedding ring when she was passing out candy to trick-or-treaters on Halloween.
… And, a kid down the street found what he thought was the crappiest Cracker Jack prize ever.
Representative Virginia Foxx (R-NC) warned that the U.S. has more to fear from health care reform than from terrorism.
… I think the GOP has found Newt Gingrich’s wacky female running mate.
Usain Bolt, the world’s fastest man, adopted the world’s fastest cat, a cheetah, as part of a conservation effort.
… He now has the world’s most shredded couch and the world’s fastest-spreading case of ring worm.
… This cat gently rubs up against your legs at 82 miles per hour.
Supermodel Gisele Bundchen passed the written exam for her pilot’s license.
… When Gisele is at the controls, she prefers to fly by the seat of her thong.
… Every airline in the world just announced an opening.
London is now the world’s top financial center, according to the World Economic Forum, with New York ranking third.
… Number 2; Bakersfield!
Kellogg’s is facing criticism for claiming on the front of Cocoa Krispies cereal boxes that it “helps support your child’s immunity.”
… Kellogg’s has apologized. What they meant to say was, it “rots your kid’s teeth out of his skull.”
Rihanna will break her silence about Chris Brown’s assault in a two-part interview on “Good Morning America” and “20/20” Thursday and Friday.
… Yikes, her 15 minutes of fame has extended well into overtime.
… Maybe we’ll see video of Chris picking up the urine-filled bottle I tossed out the car window last weekend.
A passenger on an air force jet in South Africa was uninjured after he accidentally activated the ejector seat and shot himself hundreds of feet into the sky.
… Ejecting out of a jet is nothing; it’s landing on a rhinoceros horn that can cause some pain.
A man in England claims that he is allergic to his wife and breaks out in a rash whenever he goes near her.
… Somewhere, Jon Gosselin is saying, “Damn, I wish I’d thought of that.”
A new poll (from the Historica Dominion Institute) found that 44% of Canadians distrust the United States.
… The other 56% refused to answer the front door because they thought Americans were there to rob them.
… All of this because Major League Baseball told them the Expos were going to move “right down the street”.
Serena Williams set a record for single-season prize money in women’s tennis, earning $6.5 million so far this year.
… Serena may have won the most money, but Andre Agassi is the one who played all year without ever going to sleep.
Happy Birthday to comedienne and actress Roseanne Barr who turned 57 years old on Tuesday.
… By the way, all the cake is gone.
… Experts predict his acceptance speech should wrap up around Good Friday.
Two women got in a fist fight on the D train in New York after one women refused to cover her mouth when she coughed.
… It will be the basis of a brand new film, “The Phlegming of Pelham 1-2-3”.
Professional golfer Doug Barron just became the first player to be suspended by the PGA for taking performance enhancing drugs.
… What? What would they do, help you sharpen that little pencil faster?
… Just how much faster can you wash your balls?
A woman in Wisconsin called 911 to turn herself in for drunk driving.
… She was actually calling “4-1-1”, but hey, she was drunk.
In his first year in office, Pres. Obama has traveled to 16 foreign countries, more than any other President in history. In their first year in office, Bush traveled to 11 and Clinton traveled to 3.
… However, Clinton visited more young consulate secretaries than any other President.
During a speech Monday, Bill Clinton said he loved being president so much that he would have stayed until he was carried away in a coffin.
… And, Hillary had one all picked out.
… Then he asked the crowd, “Ever do it with a White House intern in a coffin?”
“American Idol” runner up Adam Lambert and his longtime interior designer boyfriend broke up last week.
… There’s going to be a nasty custody battle for the eye liner.
Russia has sparked outrage after “simulating” a nuclear air and sea attack on Poland during military exercises.
… You know, some previously-occupied nations just can’t take a joke.
A woman in Cincinnati says she lost her wedding ring when she was passing out candy to trick-or-treaters on Halloween.
… And, a kid down the street found what he thought was the crappiest Cracker Jack prize ever.
Representative Virginia Foxx (R-NC) warned that the U.S. has more to fear from health care reform than from terrorism.
… I think the GOP has found Newt Gingrich’s wacky female running mate.
Usain Bolt, the world’s fastest man, adopted the world’s fastest cat, a cheetah, as part of a conservation effort.
… He now has the world’s most shredded couch and the world’s fastest-spreading case of ring worm.
… This cat gently rubs up against your legs at 82 miles per hour.
Supermodel Gisele Bundchen passed the written exam for her pilot’s license.
… When Gisele is at the controls, she prefers to fly by the seat of her thong.
… Every airline in the world just announced an opening.
London is now the world’s top financial center, according to the World Economic Forum, with New York ranking third.
… Number 2; Bakersfield!
Kellogg’s is facing criticism for claiming on the front of Cocoa Krispies cereal boxes that it “helps support your child’s immunity.”
… Kellogg’s has apologized. What they meant to say was, it “rots your kid’s teeth out of his skull.”
Rihanna will break her silence about Chris Brown’s assault in a two-part interview on “Good Morning America” and “20/20” Thursday and Friday.
… Yikes, her 15 minutes of fame has extended well into overtime.
… Maybe we’ll see video of Chris picking up the urine-filled bottle I tossed out the car window last weekend.
A passenger on an air force jet in South Africa was uninjured after he accidentally activated the ejector seat and shot himself hundreds of feet into the sky.
… Ejecting out of a jet is nothing; it’s landing on a rhinoceros horn that can cause some pain.
A man in England claims that he is allergic to his wife and breaks out in a rash whenever he goes near her.
… Somewhere, Jon Gosselin is saying, “Damn, I wish I’d thought of that.”
A new poll (from the Historica Dominion Institute) found that 44% of Canadians distrust the United States.
… The other 56% refused to answer the front door because they thought Americans were there to rob them.
… All of this because Major League Baseball told them the Expos were going to move “right down the street”.
Serena Williams set a record for single-season prize money in women’s tennis, earning $6.5 million so far this year.
… Serena may have won the most money, but Andre Agassi is the one who played all year without ever going to sleep.
Happy Birthday to comedienne and actress Roseanne Barr who turned 57 years old on Tuesday.
… By the way, all the cake is gone.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Tuesday's monologue jokes, 11-3-09
Al Gore is on the cover of the next Newsweek, with a green apple over his head and the caption: “The Thinking Man’s Thinking Man.”
.. Sadly, he’s thinking, “Where can I get myself a giant piece of chocolate cake?”
The New York Yankees called for a first ever instant replay in a World Series game on Saturday night, after A-Rod’s double hit a TV camera and was later ruled a homer.
… Later that night in his hotel room with Kate Hudson, A-Rod went to the video replay several times.
The New York Yankees beat the Phillies Sunday after Johnny Damon ran to third base when the Phillies failed to cover the bag.
… It was the most exciting scamper to third base by a Yankee this season that did not involved Alex Rodriguez, Madonna, or Kate Hudson.
Ford, the only major American auto manufacturer who didn't accept Federal bailout money, turned a one billion dollar profit over the last three months.
… Ford redesigned the trunks of their cars to hold up to 12 illegal aliens; brilliant!
According to the New York Times, the government predicted there would be 120 million doses of swine flu vaccines available by Monday, but they have only been able to produce 26 million vaccines so far.
… But, the government has promised that Obama-care will be handled flawlessly.
Senior White House adviser David Axelrod admitted that the administration "over-promised" its ability to deliver the swine flu-vaccine, but they will catch up to the demand within a week or so.
… “Over-Promise, Under-Deliver”; and you thought “Mission Accomplished” made you sick!
Despite a nationwide shortage, the Pentagon has swine flu vaccines for the detainees at Guantanamo Bay.
… Detainees sniff the medicine up their noses while being swine-boarded.
Harvard University will offer a sociology class based on a TV show: HBO’s show “The Wire.”
… And, Harvard will collect past-due tuition payments based on practices seen on HBO’s “The Sopranos”.
… An immunology course, “Modern Sexually Transmitted Diseases”, will be based on practices seen on HBO’s “Sex and the City”.
Tuesday is Election Day, with Governor’s races in New Jersey and Virginia.
… The fact that elderly men are hard of hearing makes this a big day for the people making Viagra.
… What I love to do is step into the voting booth and then lean over to the guy in the booth next to me and ask him if he’d mind getting me a pair of button-front high-rise jeans in size 34.
President Obama played a two-hour basketball game on Saturday morning in Washington D.C.
… Sen. Arlen Specter was there. Arlen Specter is proof there is no truth to the old adage that “white men can’t jump…ship”.
Abdullah Abdullah quit next week’s runoff election against President Hamid Karzai in Afghanistan over concerns of fraud.
… He also had money concerns; his campaign account was with his investment adviser Madoff Madoff.
Afghanistan’s President, Hamid Karzai was effectively handed a second 5-year term yesterday when his only challenger, Abdullah Abdullah, dropped out of the race.
… Abdullah said he’d write his personal memoirs and then try to get a TV talk show.
Scientists in China made it snow in Beijing Sunday by planting special chemicals into clouds.
… The lead-based snowflakes crashed through roofs of buildings and killed thousands. Government officials said it was lovely.
President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama handed out M&Ms and dried fruit mixes to more than 2,000 trick-or-treaters on their first Halloween in the White House.
… All night long the Secret Service agents were swapping costumes and ringing the damn bell.
Kosovo unveiled a statue of Bill Clinton Sunday to thank him for his humanitarian service to Serbia while he was president.
… It is an accurate depiction; Clinton’s hair is slicked back, his suit is buttoned, his fly is open.
A man in India is suing the maker of Axe Body Spray for more than $40,000 in psychological damage because he hasn’t had a date in 7 years.
… When it’s time to testify, he’ll bring the bottle of Axe he’s been using for the last 7 years.
Senior White House adviser David Axelrod said this weekend that the government will catch up to the demand for a swine flu vaccine within a week.
… And God knows that over the decades we’ve learned, if there is one person in the world we can trust to always tell us the truth, it’s the Senior White House Adviser.
The Pentagon announced that it will offer the swine flu vaccine to detainees in Guantanamo Bay.
… As part of a nation-wide cost-cutting effort, medics will use syringes that have washed up on the beach.
HBO will air a new documentary Tuesday night called “By the People: The Election of Barack Obama”, almost exactly one year after Obama was elected to office.
… Because really, since he was elected, the man just hasn’t gotten enough TV air time.
Roman Polanski’s lawyer filed a “very, very significant” amount of money Monday morning to bail the director out of prison in Switzerland.
… Everybody who doesn’t consider Polanski a flight risk, please raise your left hoof, jackass.
TV ratings for the World Series are at their highest levels since 2004, with 9.1 million viewers.
… At home, you get instant replays, you feel the comfort of your own Barcalounger, and you can charge the neighbors $12 for a beer.
Manu Ginobili, of the San Antonio Spurs, captured a bat on Saturday night after it swooped onto the court at the AT&T Center in San Antonio and disrupted play.
… Ginobili handles a bat better than anyone on the Washington Nationals.
Daylight Savings started Sunday; we all got an extra hour of sleep.
… Unless you were the Denver Broncos, in which case you got 4 more hours of sleep during Sunday’s game against the Ravens.
.. Sadly, he’s thinking, “Where can I get myself a giant piece of chocolate cake?”
The New York Yankees called for a first ever instant replay in a World Series game on Saturday night, after A-Rod’s double hit a TV camera and was later ruled a homer.
… Later that night in his hotel room with Kate Hudson, A-Rod went to the video replay several times.
The New York Yankees beat the Phillies Sunday after Johnny Damon ran to third base when the Phillies failed to cover the bag.
… It was the most exciting scamper to third base by a Yankee this season that did not involved Alex Rodriguez, Madonna, or Kate Hudson.
Ford, the only major American auto manufacturer who didn't accept Federal bailout money, turned a one billion dollar profit over the last three months.
… Ford redesigned the trunks of their cars to hold up to 12 illegal aliens; brilliant!
According to the New York Times, the government predicted there would be 120 million doses of swine flu vaccines available by Monday, but they have only been able to produce 26 million vaccines so far.
… But, the government has promised that Obama-care will be handled flawlessly.
Senior White House adviser David Axelrod admitted that the administration "over-promised" its ability to deliver the swine flu-vaccine, but they will catch up to the demand within a week or so.
… “Over-Promise, Under-Deliver”; and you thought “Mission Accomplished” made you sick!
Despite a nationwide shortage, the Pentagon has swine flu vaccines for the detainees at Guantanamo Bay.
… Detainees sniff the medicine up their noses while being swine-boarded.
Harvard University will offer a sociology class based on a TV show: HBO’s show “The Wire.”
… And, Harvard will collect past-due tuition payments based on practices seen on HBO’s “The Sopranos”.
… An immunology course, “Modern Sexually Transmitted Diseases”, will be based on practices seen on HBO’s “Sex and the City”.
Tuesday is Election Day, with Governor’s races in New Jersey and Virginia.
… The fact that elderly men are hard of hearing makes this a big day for the people making Viagra.
… What I love to do is step into the voting booth and then lean over to the guy in the booth next to me and ask him if he’d mind getting me a pair of button-front high-rise jeans in size 34.
President Obama played a two-hour basketball game on Saturday morning in Washington D.C.
… Sen. Arlen Specter was there. Arlen Specter is proof there is no truth to the old adage that “white men can’t jump…ship”.
Abdullah Abdullah quit next week’s runoff election against President Hamid Karzai in Afghanistan over concerns of fraud.
… He also had money concerns; his campaign account was with his investment adviser Madoff Madoff.
Afghanistan’s President, Hamid Karzai was effectively handed a second 5-year term yesterday when his only challenger, Abdullah Abdullah, dropped out of the race.
… Abdullah said he’d write his personal memoirs and then try to get a TV talk show.
Scientists in China made it snow in Beijing Sunday by planting special chemicals into clouds.
… The lead-based snowflakes crashed through roofs of buildings and killed thousands. Government officials said it was lovely.
President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama handed out M&Ms and dried fruit mixes to more than 2,000 trick-or-treaters on their first Halloween in the White House.
… All night long the Secret Service agents were swapping costumes and ringing the damn bell.
Kosovo unveiled a statue of Bill Clinton Sunday to thank him for his humanitarian service to Serbia while he was president.
… It is an accurate depiction; Clinton’s hair is slicked back, his suit is buttoned, his fly is open.
A man in India is suing the maker of Axe Body Spray for more than $40,000 in psychological damage because he hasn’t had a date in 7 years.
… When it’s time to testify, he’ll bring the bottle of Axe he’s been using for the last 7 years.
Senior White House adviser David Axelrod said this weekend that the government will catch up to the demand for a swine flu vaccine within a week.
… And God knows that over the decades we’ve learned, if there is one person in the world we can trust to always tell us the truth, it’s the Senior White House Adviser.
The Pentagon announced that it will offer the swine flu vaccine to detainees in Guantanamo Bay.
… As part of a nation-wide cost-cutting effort, medics will use syringes that have washed up on the beach.
HBO will air a new documentary Tuesday night called “By the People: The Election of Barack Obama”, almost exactly one year after Obama was elected to office.
… Because really, since he was elected, the man just hasn’t gotten enough TV air time.
Roman Polanski’s lawyer filed a “very, very significant” amount of money Monday morning to bail the director out of prison in Switzerland.
… Everybody who doesn’t consider Polanski a flight risk, please raise your left hoof, jackass.
TV ratings for the World Series are at their highest levels since 2004, with 9.1 million viewers.
… At home, you get instant replays, you feel the comfort of your own Barcalounger, and you can charge the neighbors $12 for a beer.
Manu Ginobili, of the San Antonio Spurs, captured a bat on Saturday night after it swooped onto the court at the AT&T Center in San Antonio and disrupted play.
… Ginobili handles a bat better than anyone on the Washington Nationals.
Daylight Savings started Sunday; we all got an extra hour of sleep.
… Unless you were the Denver Broncos, in which case you got 4 more hours of sleep during Sunday’s game against the Ravens.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Monday's monologue jokes, 11-2-09
The New York City Marathon was on Sunday.
… If you were really fast and left right at 2:00 in the morning, you could have actually finished before you started.
Halloween was Saturday!
… Kids this year were pretty savvy; they were knocking on front doors and shouting “Public option or treat!”
The House health care bill costs about $2.2 million per word.
… It’s the same deal Sarah Palin got for her memoirs.
A dog in Virginia purchased $62 worth of Xbox points on a remote control while his owner was sleeping.
… The owner did not get mad when he woke up; no, he licked himself, sniffed his neighbors butt, and took a leak against the tree.
… With those points he bought naked photos of the bitch next door.
The White House announced that the stimulus plan has saved or created 650,000 jobs.
… Most of them are in the Office of Artificially Created Statistics.
Apple’s top advertising executive is stepping down after more than 25 years; he was responsible for the “Think Different” and “I’m a Mac” campaigns.
… If you can’t make it to the retirement party, just send him a text message on his Blackberry.
Due to overcrowding, London’s largest cemetery is trying to convince people to share grave plots with strangers.
… If you think about it, lying on top of a corpse you don’t really know isn’t all that different than being married.
Researchers at UCLA believe that older adults who surf the Internet improve their brain function after only a few days.
… I think it was Hippocrates himself who first said, “Porn is better than fish oil”.
Jessica Simpson said in a new interview that she is looking for a spiritual, intellectual and artistic man.
… Yesterday, a man rang her doorbell and introduced himself as Monsignor Aristotle Warhol.
President Obama planted a tree on the North Lawn of the White House last week in a spot where George W. Bush’s tree “did not take,” according to the White House.
… White House gardeners carefully removed the dead sapling that had “Mission Accomplished” carved deeply into the thin bark.
… George W. didn’t really plant anything there; but he did bury a stick of Juicy Fruit and waited for a gum tree to appear.
… Obama said he’d water it, feed it, and unlike George W., he’d never take a leak on it.
President Obama met with the Joint Chiefs of Staff Friday to discuss a strategy for the war in Afghanistan.
… The meeting didn’t go well. Obama said he’d need to thoroughly study the proposed seating arrangement.
President Obama signed a defense bill last week that would give commanders in Afghanistan the ability to pay Taliban fighters to switch sides.
… Obama figured if the gimmick worked on Sen. Specter, then it might work on the Taliban too.
The drug maker Novartis announced that it is on track to deliver 30 million doses of the swine flu vaccine to the U.S.
… They’re just hoping that somebody is still alive who can write them a check.
Police in Arkansas are searching for the people who stole two container trucks filled with a half-million dollars worth of tampons.
… If she doesn’t get this month’s supply, Octomom says there’ll be hell to pay.
… Police say they’ve had a string of false leads.
… Isn’t that amazing? Who knew women in Arkansas used tampons?
Sunday was a huge day for sports fans with all four major pro sports (baseball, football, hockey and basketball) being played.
… In Canada, they hiked that number to five major sports when they threw in some curling.
Do you remember when President Obama had a beer with the Harvard Professor and the police officer who arrested him? Well, Henry Louis Gates and James Crowley were spotted last week at a pub in Cambridge, having a drink.
… Gates was also having the Hooters sliders, while Crowley was gobbling up the Hooters fried pickles.
67-year-old Wayne Newton said he is considering retirement to spend more time with his 7-year-old daughter.
… You’ve got to capture time when you can. Overnight, “danke schoen” quickly becomes “auf wiedersehen”.
… He wants to be home with her in third grade when every parent says “I’m sorry, I can no longer help you with your math homework.”
The College of Charleston in South Carolina will accept applications via Twitter in an effort to attract more technologically “hip” students.
… In South Carolina, “technologically hip” means “able to change typewriter ribbons on an IBM Selectric”.
A new study found that cholesterol drugs may improve your chances of surviving the flu.
… That Larry King just seems to get all the breaks.
… OK, now if they’ll just find some additional health benefit to Viagra, then watch the old timers take to the streets and party!
Space officials in Russia proposed building a nuclear-powered spaceship to send humans to Mars.
… They’re leaving it up to the Americans to figure out how to get them back.
Sting said in a recent interview that President Obama is the “best leader to navigate the world’s problems”.
… Have you ever noticed that Sting has never been knighted like Sir Paul McCartney and Sir Elton John? Queen Elizabeth wouldn’t be able to say the words “Sir Sting” without laughing out loud.
A new cell phone program does background checks on potential dates to find out if they are married or a convicted felon.
… That’s great, but more importantly, is there an app that finds out if they’ve had a sex change procedure?
… If you were really fast and left right at 2:00 in the morning, you could have actually finished before you started.
Halloween was Saturday!
… Kids this year were pretty savvy; they were knocking on front doors and shouting “Public option or treat!”
The House health care bill costs about $2.2 million per word.
… It’s the same deal Sarah Palin got for her memoirs.
A dog in Virginia purchased $62 worth of Xbox points on a remote control while his owner was sleeping.
… The owner did not get mad when he woke up; no, he licked himself, sniffed his neighbors butt, and took a leak against the tree.
… With those points he bought naked photos of the bitch next door.
The White House announced that the stimulus plan has saved or created 650,000 jobs.
… Most of them are in the Office of Artificially Created Statistics.
Apple’s top advertising executive is stepping down after more than 25 years; he was responsible for the “Think Different” and “I’m a Mac” campaigns.
… If you can’t make it to the retirement party, just send him a text message on his Blackberry.
Due to overcrowding, London’s largest cemetery is trying to convince people to share grave plots with strangers.
… If you think about it, lying on top of a corpse you don’t really know isn’t all that different than being married.
Researchers at UCLA believe that older adults who surf the Internet improve their brain function after only a few days.
… I think it was Hippocrates himself who first said, “Porn is better than fish oil”.
Jessica Simpson said in a new interview that she is looking for a spiritual, intellectual and artistic man.
… Yesterday, a man rang her doorbell and introduced himself as Monsignor Aristotle Warhol.
President Obama planted a tree on the North Lawn of the White House last week in a spot where George W. Bush’s tree “did not take,” according to the White House.
… White House gardeners carefully removed the dead sapling that had “Mission Accomplished” carved deeply into the thin bark.
… George W. didn’t really plant anything there; but he did bury a stick of Juicy Fruit and waited for a gum tree to appear.
… Obama said he’d water it, feed it, and unlike George W., he’d never take a leak on it.
President Obama met with the Joint Chiefs of Staff Friday to discuss a strategy for the war in Afghanistan.
… The meeting didn’t go well. Obama said he’d need to thoroughly study the proposed seating arrangement.
President Obama signed a defense bill last week that would give commanders in Afghanistan the ability to pay Taliban fighters to switch sides.
… Obama figured if the gimmick worked on Sen. Specter, then it might work on the Taliban too.
The drug maker Novartis announced that it is on track to deliver 30 million doses of the swine flu vaccine to the U.S.
… They’re just hoping that somebody is still alive who can write them a check.
Police in Arkansas are searching for the people who stole two container trucks filled with a half-million dollars worth of tampons.
… If she doesn’t get this month’s supply, Octomom says there’ll be hell to pay.
… Police say they’ve had a string of false leads.
… Isn’t that amazing? Who knew women in Arkansas used tampons?
Sunday was a huge day for sports fans with all four major pro sports (baseball, football, hockey and basketball) being played.
… In Canada, they hiked that number to five major sports when they threw in some curling.
Do you remember when President Obama had a beer with the Harvard Professor and the police officer who arrested him? Well, Henry Louis Gates and James Crowley were spotted last week at a pub in Cambridge, having a drink.
… Gates was also having the Hooters sliders, while Crowley was gobbling up the Hooters fried pickles.
67-year-old Wayne Newton said he is considering retirement to spend more time with his 7-year-old daughter.
… You’ve got to capture time when you can. Overnight, “danke schoen” quickly becomes “auf wiedersehen”.
… He wants to be home with her in third grade when every parent says “I’m sorry, I can no longer help you with your math homework.”
The College of Charleston in South Carolina will accept applications via Twitter in an effort to attract more technologically “hip” students.
… In South Carolina, “technologically hip” means “able to change typewriter ribbons on an IBM Selectric”.
A new study found that cholesterol drugs may improve your chances of surviving the flu.
… That Larry King just seems to get all the breaks.
… OK, now if they’ll just find some additional health benefit to Viagra, then watch the old timers take to the streets and party!
Space officials in Russia proposed building a nuclear-powered spaceship to send humans to Mars.
… They’re leaving it up to the Americans to figure out how to get them back.
Sting said in a recent interview that President Obama is the “best leader to navigate the world’s problems”.
… Have you ever noticed that Sting has never been knighted like Sir Paul McCartney and Sir Elton John? Queen Elizabeth wouldn’t be able to say the words “Sir Sting” without laughing out loud.
A new cell phone program does background checks on potential dates to find out if they are married or a convicted felon.
… That’s great, but more importantly, is there an app that finds out if they’ve had a sex change procedure?
Friday, October 30, 2009
Jerry Perisho in the New York Times, 10-30-09
The joke that I recently wrote about David Copperfield has been published in the Laugh Lines column of today's New York Times. To read today's Laugh Lines column, click HERE.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Friday's monologue jokes, 10-30-09
Happy Birthday to actress Winona Ryder who turned 38 years old on Thursday.
… She made a wish as she blew out the candles on her expunge cake.
Congratulations to Dr. Oz whose show is getting great ratings in women ages 25 to 54.
… The last thing to score that high in women ages 25 to 54 was battery-operated.
Police in Spain seized 160,000 fake Viagra pills, shipped from India and China, in one of Spain’s largest drug busts ever.
… Law enforcement was on high alert, but if they’d stayed on high alert for 4 hours or more, they are instructed to contact their physicians.
… Law enforcement had been on high alert, but the men were told to “stand down”.
Shakira said in a new interview with “Rolling Stone” that her “body feels like it is asking to reproduce, to have a huge belly and carry babies.”
… It’s the same thing Kevin Federline told them last month.
Officials in Mexico discovered a secret tunnel under the U.S. border leading to San Diego, complete with electricity and an air supply.
… There is no telling how many Americans may have escaped to Mexico.
The Washington Times is reporting that President Obama allowed one of his top donors to use the White House bowling alley.
… It’s a great place; you push the “Service” button and Nancy Pelosi brings a hot pizza and pitcher of beer.
… Games with Obama are really slow, though. He takes weeks to evaluate the 7-10 split before he decides whether he wants to attack it or just leave.
Magician David Copperfield was granted a 6-month delay in a sexual assault lawsuit filed against him by Miss Washington.
… If he is convicted, will it really do any good to lock him up?
A spa in Austria opened a new pool filled with more than 40,000 pints of beer, claiming that it can treat skin conditions.
… Better yet, you can pee in it and nobody has a clue.
Cher’s child Chaz Bono said a new interview that his outsides are finally starting to match his insides after having gender reassignment surgery.
… So now, he’s treating women like second-class citizens and demanding more money for doing the same work.
In an interview with Glamour magazine, First Lady Michelle Obama urges women not to choose men because they are cute, because “cute only lasts for so long.”
… Usually, right until you sober up.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi unveiled a health reform bill with a less liberal version of the public option.
… Marking the first time the title “House Speaker Nancy Pelosi” has ever been used in a sentence also containing the words “less liberal”.
U2 will play a free concert in Berlin to celebrate 20 years since the fall of the Berlin Wall on November 9, 1989.
… Nothing says “Peace and Unity” better than a band named after an American cold war-era spy plane.
General Motors CEO Fritz Henderson said that government cuts to his salary are “fair” and “thoughtful.”
… In other words, he’s getting compensated through unreported kickbacks.
… As opposed to the salesmen in the GM showrooms who are “ruthless” and “untrustworthy”.
More than 1.1 million New Yorkers moved out of the city in the last decade costing a fortune in lost tax dollars.
… On the bright side though, the puddles of urine in the subway aren’t nearly as deep.
The Chairman of the National Endowment for the Arts said this week that President Obama “is the most powerful writer since Julius Caesar.”
… And the most powerful printed word since the Guttenberg press is Obama’s TelePrompTer.
… (sniff, sniff) I’m smelling a grant request coming in the mail.
Jon Gosselin will star in a new reality show where he will date Octomom Nadya Suleman.
… I am really thinking about watching that show. No, instead I’ll just pour battery acid in my eyes.
64-year-old Rod Stewart told “Entertainment Tonight” that he wants one more child, even though he already has 6 kids.
… Oh dear God, please not another Octomom reality show.
Jon Gosselin’s girlfriend, Hailey Glassman, says that he is emotionally abusive and has “mantrums.”
… Mantrums are little explosive and selfish outbursts. Picture Ron Artest, but much more mature.
… She made a wish as she blew out the candles on her expunge cake.
Congratulations to Dr. Oz whose show is getting great ratings in women ages 25 to 54.
… The last thing to score that high in women ages 25 to 54 was battery-operated.
Police in Spain seized 160,000 fake Viagra pills, shipped from India and China, in one of Spain’s largest drug busts ever.
… Law enforcement was on high alert, but if they’d stayed on high alert for 4 hours or more, they are instructed to contact their physicians.
… Law enforcement had been on high alert, but the men were told to “stand down”.
Shakira said in a new interview with “Rolling Stone” that her “body feels like it is asking to reproduce, to have a huge belly and carry babies.”
… It’s the same thing Kevin Federline told them last month.
Officials in Mexico discovered a secret tunnel under the U.S. border leading to San Diego, complete with electricity and an air supply.
… There is no telling how many Americans may have escaped to Mexico.
The Washington Times is reporting that President Obama allowed one of his top donors to use the White House bowling alley.
… It’s a great place; you push the “Service” button and Nancy Pelosi brings a hot pizza and pitcher of beer.
… Games with Obama are really slow, though. He takes weeks to evaluate the 7-10 split before he decides whether he wants to attack it or just leave.
Magician David Copperfield was granted a 6-month delay in a sexual assault lawsuit filed against him by Miss Washington.
… If he is convicted, will it really do any good to lock him up?
A spa in Austria opened a new pool filled with more than 40,000 pints of beer, claiming that it can treat skin conditions.
… Better yet, you can pee in it and nobody has a clue.
Cher’s child Chaz Bono said a new interview that his outsides are finally starting to match his insides after having gender reassignment surgery.
… So now, he’s treating women like second-class citizens and demanding more money for doing the same work.
In an interview with Glamour magazine, First Lady Michelle Obama urges women not to choose men because they are cute, because “cute only lasts for so long.”
… Usually, right until you sober up.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi unveiled a health reform bill with a less liberal version of the public option.
… Marking the first time the title “House Speaker Nancy Pelosi” has ever been used in a sentence also containing the words “less liberal”.
U2 will play a free concert in Berlin to celebrate 20 years since the fall of the Berlin Wall on November 9, 1989.
… Nothing says “Peace and Unity” better than a band named after an American cold war-era spy plane.
General Motors CEO Fritz Henderson said that government cuts to his salary are “fair” and “thoughtful.”
… In other words, he’s getting compensated through unreported kickbacks.
… As opposed to the salesmen in the GM showrooms who are “ruthless” and “untrustworthy”.
More than 1.1 million New Yorkers moved out of the city in the last decade costing a fortune in lost tax dollars.
… On the bright side though, the puddles of urine in the subway aren’t nearly as deep.
The Chairman of the National Endowment for the Arts said this week that President Obama “is the most powerful writer since Julius Caesar.”
… And the most powerful printed word since the Guttenberg press is Obama’s TelePrompTer.
… (sniff, sniff) I’m smelling a grant request coming in the mail.
Jon Gosselin will star in a new reality show where he will date Octomom Nadya Suleman.
… I am really thinking about watching that show. No, instead I’ll just pour battery acid in my eyes.
64-year-old Rod Stewart told “Entertainment Tonight” that he wants one more child, even though he already has 6 kids.
… Oh dear God, please not another Octomom reality show.
Jon Gosselin’s girlfriend, Hailey Glassman, says that he is emotionally abusive and has “mantrums.”
… Mantrums are little explosive and selfish outbursts. Picture Ron Artest, but much more mature.
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