Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Photo of the Day

... a quick peak at America's infrastructure
Monologue Jokes for Wednesday,
June 13, 2012

Burger King is introducing its new 510-calorie dessert, the bacon sundae.
  There is nothing quite as cooling and refreshing as crumbled bacon fat.
  You know you’ve done something terribly wrong when even the swine population is embarrassed for you.
  There’s just one problem, when the paramedics try to shock your heart back to life, you’re so greasy the paddles keep sliding off.

Taco Bell says it has sold more than 100 million Doritos Locos Tacos.
  They gave 40 million people diarrhea just in the time it took you to read this joke.
  Welcome to a new food group.

The White House hasn’t seen leakage this bad since Ronald Reagan had those polyps removed.

This Sunday on OWN, Oprah Winfrey interviews eight Kardashian-Jenner family members.
  Holy crap, nine of the biggest egos in the world all in one place; it’s kind of like watching the Yankees.
  The show will last longer than a Kim Kardashian marriage.
  Gosh, we can only hope that Oprah lavishes them with lots of expensive gifts and trips.
  Bruce Jenner's face is stretched tighter than a Kardashian thong.
  Please, you have to learn to stop laughing every time someone mentions OWN.

Breaking news: Some people in Turkey report they are recovering after seeing Madonna’s right nipple.

For just $1000, Groupon will select a custom first name for your newborn son or daughter.
  Finally, we’re producing something of great value that China can’t steal from us.
  And, for $5000, MySpace will post mostly-naked pictures of your newborn’s parents.

A group affiliated with the Ku Klux Klan wants to adopt a stretch of highway in Georgia.
  They were excited about the project until they learned it was all blacktop.
  In order to see the trash, you have to make the eyeholes in your pointy hood really big.

The Los Angeles Kings won their very first Stanley Cup, Monday.
  The first sixteen babies born in LA after the win were named Zamboni.
  A winner once every 45 years; kind of like Hollywood marriages.

The divorce between Kobe Bryant has his wife has been temporarily placed on hold.
  She needed some time to determine the actual size of the new diamond.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Photo of the Day

... there is such a thing as T.M.I.
Monologue Jokes for Monday
June 11, 2012

During a public speaking engagement last week, Pres. Obama said “the private sector is doing fine.”
  Then, he added, “The San Antonio Spurs will coast through the NBA championship”.
  And by “doing fine”, he meant “completely dead”.

Spain is at risk of having a run on all of its banks.
  Under new Spanish rules, any depositor wanting to withdraw funds must clomp through the streets and gore at least one drunken American.

The World War II battleship USS Iowa made its final voyage to its permanent berth in the Port of Los Angeles, Saturday.
  By Sunday morning, “USS Iowa” had been painted out and spray-painted over with “Celtics Suk”.
  Throughout Los Angeles, young school children asked, “What’s an Iowa?”

Actress Lindsay Lohan was uninjured after a car accident while driving to film a scene for her new film “Liz and Dick”.
  Lindsay was excited; she came home with a free neck brace.

Madonna flashed her right nipple during a concert in Istanbul, Thursday.
  She is promising everyone who saw it and went blind they’d get their money back.
  Damn you, Justin Timberlake.
  Speaking of Turkey, they have better breasts.

There is a big fight brewing between the Miss Universe Pageant and a contestant who claims the contest is fixed.
  I am troubled by anyone with a surgically repaired nose and augmented breasts complaining about anything being “fixed”.
  Pageant owner Donald Trump said he’s never lied about anything, ever, and then burst into flames.

Union Rags won the 144th Belmont Stakes, Saturday.
  But, it was I’ll Have Another, recently put out to stud, who was grinning ear-to-ear.

Retired and put out to stud??  And, you thought “I’ll Have Another” was a perfect name before!

The Miami Heat defeated the Boston Celtics and will now play Oklahoma City for the NBA championship.
  Thunder fans are riled up, mainly because they think LeBron James is a direct descendant of Jesse James.

Los Angeles is a tough town for pro hockey.
  Other than the occasional frozen margarita, beach-loving Los Angelinos didn’t know water froze.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Jerry Perisho in the Seattle Times,
June 10, 2012

Dwight Perry as selected one of my recent jokes for inclusion in his great syndicated Sideline Chatter column in the Seattle Times.  To read Dwight's column, which today also includes humor from my friend and fellow comedy writer Bill Littlejohn, click HERE.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

"Family Heirloom"
5 Second Film (literally)


Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Sports Photo of the Day

... if Steve Nash is any indication, the Phoenix Suns' new uniforms 
will make NBA games thoroughly disgusting
Monologue Jokes for Wednesday,
June 6, 2012

The Queen’s Diamond Jubilee has concluded, so I can wash and put away my Union Jack Speedo for another 60 years.

Drone attacks along the Afghan border have killed the second in command in al-Qaida.
  Donald Trump demanded to see his birth certificate.
  This pretty much assures them an early draft pick.

GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney is making a special appeal to Hispanic voters.
  He can relate to Hispanics; after all, the maintenance guy on his car elevator is one.

The US terminated funding for a Pakistani version of “Sesame Street” after corruption allegations were made.
  Problems began when Pakistan wouldn’t let Miss Piggy in the country.
  Oscar the Grouch’s trash can was filled with denotation devices.
  They had poor Beaker working on their nuclear weapons program.

I kept my eyes closed for 45 minutes until I heard it was Venus passing in front of the sun.

The next time the transit of Venus will occur is 2117.
  That’ll be the fourth time Larry King sees it.

Shares of Facebook dropped to below $26, Tuesday.
  Mark Zuckerberg called his buddy Eduardo Saverin and asked if he could crash with him in Singapore for a few years.

Kia Motors is recalling 72,000 Rio models because a sensor could unnecessarily deploy passenger side air bags.
  Air bag deployment blocks your vision and interferes with your breathing; it’s how Jessica Simpson feels all the time.

A&E reality TV star Billy The Exterminator was arrested in Louisiana on charges of drug possession.
  As it turns out, a lot of those bats and snakes he sees in your attic aren’t there at all.
  Roaches, Billy loves them roaches.

Former Major League pitcher Mike Boddicker testified he saw Roger Clemens being injected in the buttocks with vitamins.
  And that, my friends, is the reason Clemens never got scurvy while pitching in the big leagues.
  And, if you need Boddicker to testify that he saw you being injected with vitamins too, just contact his agent.

Hey sports fans, if you thinking flopping is a problem in pro basketball, try watching a new late night sitcom.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Hollywood Sequel Photo of the Day

... I'm worried about "Bridesmaids, II"
Monologue Jokes for Tuesday,
June 5, 2012

Britain’s Prince Philip missed the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee concert while hospitalized with a bladder infection.
  The man got a bladder infection, yet he never even touched Madonna.
  At the hospital, he is secretly registered under the name The Royal Formerly Known as Prince Philip.
  He is resting comfortably since his roommate snores a lot less than the Queen.

For me, the highlight of the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee was when she slipped off her panties and threw them at Tom Jones.  Those things were HUGE!

Popular “Family Feud” game show host Richard Dawson passed away last weekend.
  Suddenly, women in heaven are again being uncomfortably fondled and slobbered on.

Olivia Culpo from Rhode Island was crowned Miss USA Sunday and will compete in the Miss Universe Pageant.
  She was quickly crowned the winner when she got Donald Trump to admit that thing on his head is transgender.

A new gun range opening this summer in Texas will have rooms available to host children’s birthday parties.
  What kid wants to blow out his candles when he can shoot them out from a hundred paces?
  Not only can you pin the tail on the donkey, but you can also gun it down with the latest in automatic weaponry.
  Every child gets a gift bag with an unspent bullet.

A Phoenix woman forgot she’d placed her baby, in its car seat, on the roof of her car and she drove away.
  There is good news; the baby is OK and the mother says she knows where to get some “killer dope”.

Sir Paul McCartney will be the closing act in the Opening Ceremonies of the London Summer Olympics.
  Justin Timberlake will come onstage and accidentally rip open his top.
  Meanwhile, Ringo Starr has agreed to wipe the dirt off the shot puts.

The LA Kings lead the series in the Stanley Cup playoffs.
  LA is the porn capital of the world; high-sticking means something completely different.
  People in LA think the blue line is something LAPD forms to clear the streets.
…  Sadly, most people in Los Angeles think “changing lines on the fly” is something you do with cocaine on flights To Vegas.