Monologue Writer Jerry Perisho

2012-01-29T19:00:00.000-08:00

Cruise Ship Photo of the Day

... 4 seconds before that Italian cruise ship ran aground

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2012-01-29T18:57:00.000-08:00

Monologue Jokes for Monday

January 30, 2012

More than 400 anti-Wall Street protestors were arrested in Oakland, CA over the weekend.

… A Raiders game is more peaceful.

… They were especially angry when they found out it was supposed to be Occupy Auckland.

… Have you ever been to Oakland? Really, people, what is all the conflict about?

Liam Neeson’s new film “The Grey” lead all movies by taking in $20 million over the weekend.

… It is about the fine line between survival and death, not at all unlike the Newt Gingrich campaign.

Singer Celine Dion accidentally flashed fans in the front row of a concert in Jamaica when she wore a dress that was too short.

… And, you thought the gash in the Titanic was huge!!

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the theater, January rolls around and they release a new Katherine Heigl movie.

… “One For The Money” is “27 Dresses” without the extensive character development and heart-racing action.

Rapper Bow Wow reportedly owes the IRS $126,000 in back taxes and has a lien placed against him.

… The ASPCA and PETA are looking into potential mistreatment.

… Bow Wow has been unable to perform recently with that plastic cone around his neck.

I know the Super Bowl will be played there next weekend, but really how can Indianapolis get any crazier than it already is year-round?

Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Matt Cassel is credited with pounding on the door of a burning home and letting the resident know it was on fire.

… He tried to squirt water on the house, but kept missing it, spraying high and to the right.

Mark Cuban has been eliminated as a potential buyer of the Los Angeles Dodgers.

… This whittles the number of loud-mouthed, obnoxious billionaires behaving foolishly at Dodgers games to about 25,000.

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2012-01-25T20:57:00.000-08:00

Kid Photo of the Day

... you're never too young to love bacon

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2012-01-25T20:54:00.000-08:00

Monologue Jokes for Thursday,

January 26, 2012

In a swift and secret raid, Seal Team 6 rescued hostages that were being held by Somali pirates.

… Well, that's just great; now, what am I supposed to do with my Somalia timeshare??

… I’d like to put this to rest once and for all; I am NOT a member of SEAL Team 6. OK? So, just leave it alone.

Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney are running neck and neck in Florida.

… Don’t forget that at the same time in Florida, Rick Santorum and Ron Paul are running ass and ass.

Minnesota Congresswoman and former GOP presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann announced that she will seek reelection to Congress.

… Meanwhile, her husband Marcus announced that he thinks butterflies are delightful.

Actress Demi Moore was rushed to the hospital after inhaling a dangerous amount of nitrous oxide.

… Nitrous oxide is a cheap thrill, kind of like Ashton Kutcher, but without the pre-nup.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences says they’ll soon be doing electronic voting.

… It’s genius; movie stars will vote for Best Picture using their GPS tracking ankle bracelets.

Teen idol and “Hannah Montana” star Miley Cyrus got her boyfriend a giant penis birthday cake for his 22^nd birthday party.

… In other Disney news, pantsless Donald Duck will now be drawn with a visible scrotum.

Pat Sajak recently admitted that he has hosted the “Wheel of Fortune” TV game show inebriated.

… Makes sense; totally drunk is the only way I can watch it.

A 4-year-old Connecticut preschooler pulled out nine bags of marijuana for his classroom’s show-and-tell.

… The teacher then turned off the Sesame Street CD and fired up Aerosmith.

… He said, “I really think this ought to help all the kids relax at nap time.”

… “If Billy brings 9 bags of weed to school, but Miss Johnson takes home 5 bags, how many bags does Billy have left in his stash?”

The Lakers replaced the Knicks as the most valuable team in the NBA at $900 million.

… Still, Spike Lee is considered the most valuable NBA fan because he brings hotter women to the games than Jack Nicholson.

Rory McIlroy, Lee Westwood, and Tiger Woods all start the European Golf Tour in Abu Dhabi this week.

… There aren’t a lot of trees to contend with, but the sand traps are 400 miles wide.

… You can choose whether your caddy has one hump or two.

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2012-01-24T21:32:00.000-08:00

Photo of the Day

... the older ladies, who enjoy riding hogs, love Jerry

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2012-01-24T21:30:00.000-08:00

Monologue Jokes for Wednesday,

January 25, 2012

All of the Academy Award nominees have been announced.

… Billy Crystal is horrified; in his opening video, he may have to help Melissa McCarthy take a dump in a sink.

… Martin Scorsese's eyebrows are Michael Dukakis with a touch of Andy Rooney and a little Wally Moon.

… If they made a movie about women I dated, it would be called “Extremely Loud and Incredible Close Minded”.

… Immediately, Tom Cruise began posing for the Oscar statues.

Tuesday night was Pres. Obama’s State of the Union Address.

… Perhaps the biggest shock of the night was the people sitting with Mrs. Obama; the Allstate Mayhem Guy sitting with Flo from Progressive Insurance.

… Everybody received a big standing ovation, except the captain of that Italian cruise ship.

GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney finally released his tax returns for 2010 and 2011.

… He was a little late; it’s always hard to get those interest statements from your banks in the Cayman Islands.

… Romney has been running for this office for 6 years, but just recently closed a Swiss bank account; the advice he gets from H. Block is solid, but R. Block is a loser.

… Who knew graying your temples was tax deductible?

India’s Sikh community is seeking an apology from Jay Leno.

… Conan O’Brien said, “Yeah, good luck with that.”

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange plans to start his own TV talk show.

… We’re pretty sure nothing is going to be bleeped out.

A huge solar storm may cause disruptions in satellite communications over the next couple of days.

… If you’re lucky, the next GOP debate will be nothing but a test pattern.

… On the bright side, you can step outside and get a golden bronze tan in 12 seconds.

For the first time in nearly 60 years, employees at Disneyland will be allowed to grow beards.

… New twist to old fairy tales: “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, throw down your Fu Manchu.”

… Snow White promised to keep hers neatly trimmed.

… Featured every day in the Tomorrowland Plaza: ZZ Top.

… Somewhere, the guy who drew the short straw is gluing a fake beard on the frozen head of Walt Disney.

The guy who invented WD-39 was just this close to being a billionaire.

The Los Angeles Clippers lead the Pacific Division in the NBA.

… Even the Mayans are saying, “Whoa, we did not see that one coming.”

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2012-01-23T20:08:00.000-08:00

Photo of the Day

... you've heard of Seal Team 6; meet Seal Team 2.4

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2012-01-23T20:01:00.000-08:00

Monologue Jokes for Tuesday,

January 24, 2012

The State of the Union Address is Tuesday night.

… Pres. Obama could almost assure himself reelection if he’d just look into the TV cameras and honestly say, “Things really suck,” and walk off.

“Gaddafi Supporters Seize Control of Libyan Town”

… This may be the most pointless news headline since “Santorum Recount Wins Iowa Caucuses”.

Sen. Rand Paul was held at a Kentucky airport for refusing to cooperate with a TSA pat down.

… Now, it’s almost certain that his dad won’t become President of the United States.

… Paul said the scanner had detected an “anomaly” that turned out to be his father’s presidential support.

… Wait; Kentucky has an airport?

Kia is recalling 146,000 vehicles with have faulty airbags.

… In the Kia, it’s called an airbag; to the rest of the world, it’s known as bubble wrap.

… In my American made SUV, the perfectly working airbag is roughly the size of a recalled Kia.

Runaway model Heidi Klum and her singer husband Seal have separated and will get a divorce.

… I bet Heidi Klum regrets tattooing "Seal" on her arm instead of "Jerry", like I begged her to in all those manifestos.

… One day you’re married, the next day you’re not.

Singer Aretha Franklin has called off her engagement.

… “Re-re-re-re-ject; When you come home…”

… And you tried to tell me she never received the truckload of love letters I wrote.

The Newberry and Caldecott prizes have been awarded for best children’s books for 2011.

… They include “Winning and the TV Star Who Lost His Mind”, “How to Secure Real Friends through Social Media”, and “True Commitment in Just 72 Days”.

The Stanley Cup Champion Boston Bruins visited Pres. Obama at the White House, Monday.

… For once they talked about the blue line in the Oval Office and weren’t referring to Hillary Clinton’s varicose veins.

… There were so many teeth missing in the group photo it looked like an Arkansas Visits Favorite Son Bill Clinton Hoedown.

When you think of the glitz, the glamour, and the celebrity that surround the Super Bowl, what city do you think of but… Indianapolis?

The Patriots-Giants Super Bowl fits Indianapolis a little bit like Angelia Jolie suits Chaz Bono.

As the San Francisco 49ers and New York Giants went into overtime Sunday night, Fox delayed the start of “American Idol”.

… Had the overtime ended in a tie, J. Lo, Steven Tyler and the Big Dawg would have selected a winner.

… I kept thinking of poor Ryan Seacrest pacing around and waiting to go on the air.

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2012-01-22T10:46:00.000-08:00

Jerry Perisho in the Seattle Times,

January 22, 2012

Another one of my jokes in the Sideline Chatter column of the Seattle Times! My thanks to columnist Dwight Perry. To read today's column, click HERE.

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2012-01-20T10:00:00.000-08:00

Jerry Perisho in the Seattle Times,

January 20, 2012

I am always pleased to have one of my jokes published in the very funny syndicated Sideline Chatter column of the Seattle Times. Today is one of those days. My thanks to Dwight Perry for including me.

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2012-01-18T19:24:00.000-08:00

Photo of the Day

... save a few bucks when flying with the kids

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2012-01-18T19:20:00.000-08:00

Monologue Jokes for Thursday,

January 19, 2011

The Republicans need to be rescued by someone with charisma, energy and a powerful personality.

… Where is that wild man Mike Huckabee when we need him?

Pres. Obama rejected the Keystone XL pipeline project, which would have created tens of thousands of jobs.

… The Obama administration just got thank you notes from all five GOP presidential candidates.

… At least all of those out-of-work people have great medical care… no, wait.

That Italian cruise ship captain is now saying he tripped and fell into one of the lifeboats.

… That old excuse didn’t work when he got that girl pregnant, either.

… When this unabashed liar gets out of prison, he has a great future in politics.

A harsh Pacific storm dumped more than four inches of snow on Seattle.

… Gosh, I hope there is some place those people can go to get a hot cup of coffee.

Burger King is testing a home delivery service.

… They’ve thought of everything; the driver will have extra salt, packets of ketchup, and his very own defibrillator.

Actor Mark Wahlberg said if he’d been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11 it probably would have landed safely.

… Coincidentally, Wahlberg’s IQ falls somewhere between 9 and 11.

Paula Deen, whose TV show pushes buttery Southern cuisine, announced she’s had diabetes for 3 years and treats herself with a drug she advertises.

… Hey Paula, shut your cake hole!

… I knew she had three chins, but now I know she has two faces.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton named NBA great Kareem Abdul-Jabbar the nation’s global cultural ambassador.

… Sadly, with that name every time he travels, the TSA will want to do a complete cavity search.

… Hillary plans to transform his souvenir Lakers jersey into a purple pants suit.

Eli Manning of the New York Giants did not practice Wednesday because of a stomach virus.

… He didn’t start throwing up, though, until he got home and turned on a N.J. Nets game.

Actor Rob Lowe reported on Twitter that Peyton Manning was retiring from professional football.

… Later, he tweeted that Molly Ringwald was a skin condition you can get from your cat.

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2012-01-17T21:23:00.000-08:00

Photo of the Day

... history shows it was the telegraph that stopped

westward movement on the Oregon Trail

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2012-01-17T21:20:00.000-08:00

Monologue Jokes for Wednesday,

January 18, 2012

Research shows Pres. Obama has lost the support of the Latino community in the upcoming election.

… That would explain the herd of elephant topiaries the gardener placed on the White House grounds.

… Obama was confused; he thought “Si, se puede” meant, “Let us watch you play yet another round of golf.”

Monday night, Republican presidential candidates debated in South Carolina.

… No one knows who won, but the entire country is pleased to learn that South Carolina has TV.

… Until Monday night, Texas Gov. Rick Perry thought turkey was wild and something you sipped before stepping on stage.

A member of the Italian Coast Guard told the captain of that cruise ship, who had already abandoned ship, “Get on board, dammit”.

… That, of course, is the same message the Romney campaign team is screaming at Republicans.

Actress Lindsay Lohan was in court Tuesday in the second of her appearances under strict probation requirements.

… The judge lavished her with praise for things you did as a third grader.

… In the world of animal behaviorism, Lohan is little more than one of Pavlov’s drooling dogs.

Rapper Jay-Z says since he’s now the father of a daughter he will no longer use the word “Bitch” to describe women.

… It is socially unacceptable and besides, “Ho” and “Tramp” are so much easier to rhyme.

Those high school cheerleaders from “Glee” looked great all dressed up at the Golden Globes.

TV talk show host Wendy Williams has started a “Save the Twinkie” campaign.

… Based on what I see, she’s been putting her money where her mouth is.

Burger King is testing a new home delivery service.

… It’s for you lard-asses who think the drive through places too great a demand on your fat stores.

… Oh yeah? Well, McDonald’s just came out with a plan to build their newest restaurant in your family room.

That snowshoer who got lost on Mt. Rainier burned the money he was carrying to stay warm at night.

… He burned his American bills, but made of point of saving all his valuable foreign currency.

… Attorney General Eric Holder says he’ll levy charges for destroying government property.

The Los Angeles City Council passed a law requiring all porn actors to wear condoms during filming.

… Acting? Who’s acting?

… The actors will be required to wear condoms when they are doing what the city council does to the voters.

The Indianapolis Colts fired Jim Caldwell after a 2-14 season.

… That's just two more wins than you had and you weren't even coaching.

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2012-01-16T17:47:00.000-08:00

Baby Photo of the Day

... it's the day little Billy's mom stopped breast-feeding

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2012-01-16T17:45:00.000-08:00

Monologue Jokes for Tuesday,

January 17, 2012

I completely misunderstood. I spent all day yesterday looking for TV specials on Larry King.

The captain of that grounded Italian cruise ship left his vessel before all of the ship’s passengers got off.

… There is no way to translate the phrase “women and children, first” into Italian, apparently.

… This guy could be the next Michele Bachmann presidential campaign manager.

That Italian cruise ship Costa Concordia laying on its side looks like Kirstie Alley rolling off an inflatable raft.

Jon Huntsman ended his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination.

… Be honest, you didn’t know he’d ever entered the campaign, now did you?

Nearly 17 million people tuned in Sunday night to watch the Golden Globe Awards on NBC.

… It’s pretty certain this time that Ricky Gervais won’t be invited back.

… At last count, 39 of them actually laughed at some part of the show.

… Next year, the show’s producers promise to let the TV audience know that they’re supposed to be drinking heavily, too.

… Seeking more controversy, the Hollywood Foreign Press is negotiating with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to host next year.

… The highlight of the show was watching Charlie Sheen bus tables.

A newly discovered horse fly in Australia with a big, golden rear end was named after singer Beyoncé.

… Meanwhile, a newly discovered horse fly named after Kim Kardashian can’t get its fat ass off the ground.

The founder of Cracker Barrel restaurants has died at age 76.

… He was found dead after 4 hours waiting to be seated.

L.L. Bean is celebrating its 100^th anniversary.

… It’s the reason I was wearing an L.L. Bean tuxedo at the Golden Globe Awards on Sunday night.

The Green Bay Packers lost to the New York Giants Sunday, 37-20 in Green Bay.

… Packers fans went ahead and rioted and set several cars on fire, not in anger at being defeated, but because it was just damn cold.

Retired NBA star Yao Ming has entered politics in China.

… When this guy throws his size 18 Reebok at you, you'd better damn well duck.

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2012-01-11T19:30:00.000-08:00

Photo of the Day

... there is trouble with California's high-speed rail system

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2012-01-11T19:28:00.000-08:00

Monologue Jokes for Thursday,

January 12, 2012

Newt Gingrich finished in fourth place in the New Hampshire primary.

… That didn’t stop his wife and him from celebrating with a chilled uncorked bottle of the region’s finest bleach.

First lady Michelle Obama says she is tired of the assertion she is an “angry black woman”.

… Ru Paul said, “Yeah, that’s my territory!”

… She continued, “It’s not like I emcee ‘America’s Next Top Model’ or anything.”

Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour, in his last few days on the job, granted over 200 pardons, including people convicted of murder, rape and armed robbery.

… Wow, and I thought it was the Gulf shrimp that was the most well-known local bottom feeder.

… On the list of things in which Mississippi ranks 50^th, add “Gubernatorial Quality”.

… I hope his portrait hanging in the state capital has him covered in tar and feathers.

… There is no word yet on which state Barbour is hightailing it to.

Joran van der Sloot apologized for killing a young Peruvian woman while pleading guilty to murder charges.

… Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour then granted him a pardon and they went cruising for chicks.

Actors Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie stopped by the White House Wednesday to visit Pres. Obama.

… Obama informed them that, with the legislative gridlock in Washington, it’s unlikely Congress will make use of the term “Brangelina” a federal offense.

… They all agreed that for the sake of world stability, “Ocean’s 11”, “Ocean’s 12” and “Ocean’s 13” will really be quite enough.

Lindsay Lohan owes $94,000 in unpaid federal taxes.

… The IRS says they will not accept payment in the form of stolen gold necklaces.

Hostess Brands, the maker of Twinkies and Wonder Bread, has filed for bankruptcy protection.

… A company spokesman said it’s OK that this not be taken care of immediately since the paperwork has a shelf life of 140 years.

… Wonder Bread helps build strong bodies 7, 11 or 13 ways, depending on which chapter of the bankruptcy code they choose.

Three hundred Chinese workers who make Xbox consoles went to the roof of their building and threatened a mass suicide over work conditions.

… Other than that, things are great in the world’s hottest economy.

… What is the big deal? In 25 years, they’d make enough money to purchase an Xbox of their very own.

In New York last year, over 7,000 people were issued $50 tickets for being unable to confine themselves to a single seat on the subway.

… New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie paid $12,000.

Lakers star Kobe Bryant will not have a special German procedure applied to his injured wrist.

… He will, however, have a young German woman named Helga rub her naked body all over it.

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2012-01-11T07:04:00.000-08:00

Jerry Perisho in the Orange County Register

1-11-12

Randy Youngman was kind enough to include one of my recent jokes in his sports column in the Orange County Register. Many thanks to Randy. To read Randy's column, click HERE.

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2012-01-10T19:26:00.000-08:00

Photo of the Day

... while Hazel was the eldest and least talented,

she still was willing to buy beer for the rest of the girls on the cheer squad

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2012-01-10T19:20:00.000-08:00

Monologue Jokes for Wednesday,

January 11, 2012

Sadly, the New Hampshire primary was about as exciting as the BCS championship game, but the cheerleaders were really, really old.

Political factoid: In the New Hampshire primary, Newt Gingrich was supported by every woman named Tiffany.

Ron Paul finished second in the New Hampshire primary.

… This proves scientists’ theories that the cold does in fact interfere with brain function.

Can someone direct me to the line of people wanting to kick Mississippi governor Haley Barbour’s slimy ass? What a jerk!!

The United States military has for a second time rescued Iranian mariners who were in trouble in the Persian Gulf.

… In response, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sent Pres. Obama a gift; an autographed Members Only jacket.

The TSA says it found four guns per day last year at America’s airports.

… But, enough about frisking its own job applicants.

… Some of them were even loaded; Nerf pellets, water, Listerine.

The mayor of Pennsylvania’s debt-ridden capital, Harrisburg, vetoed the city council’s budget.

… Back in Washington, they asked, “What is this strange thing they call a ‘budget’?”

Rapper Jay-Z has written and performed a touching rap song in honor of the new child born to Beyoncé and him.

… To his credit, it’s hard to rhyme words with “get out of this hospital ward, lowlifes; you can see your newborn once we’ve cleared out of here.”

… “Late at night when you’re sleepin’, Blue Ivy comes a creepin’ around,” sounds like a complete rip off.

Lindsay Lohan may play the part of Liz Taylor in an upcoming movie for the Lifetime channel.

… With Lohan having done a lot of community service in the LA County Morgue, it’s just too bad Liz never created a perfume that smelled like formaldehyde.

For the film industry, there’s really only one “Joyful Noise”; the ringing of the cash register.

Donald Trump wants to build a top-level golf course in New York City on the site of a former landfill.

… It’s a great plan with one exception; when you dive in the lake, it will eat your face off.

… The hazard on any fairway with a dogleg is a huge pile of old rotting dog legs.

… The course will smell like Tiger Woods’ divorce settlement.

The Oakland Raiders fired head coach Hue Jackson.

… It’s OK; when your name is Hue, who wants to be part of a team that’s just silver and black, anyway?

Boxer Floyd Mayweather, Jr. called out rival Manny Pacquiao on Twitter.

… Either that or Floyd was typing with his boxing gloves on again.

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2012-01-09T20:44:00.000-08:00

Photo of the Day

... "leg men"

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2012-01-09T20:42:00.000-08:00

Monologue Jokes for Tuesday,

January 10, 2012

Pres. Obama’s Chief of Staff William Daley is leaving his position after less than a year.

… This guy had been in the doghouse for quiet a while and Bo wanted it back.

… And to think, Michelle had just gotten him house trained.

… He shook Obama’s hand and whispered, “The mother-in-law is really a bitch, huh?”

If blood is drawn, the referees will call a quick timeout to allow trainers to bandage up the injury.

… But, enough about Newt Gingrich’s continued ruthless attacks on Mitt Romney.

Victoria Gotti will win Celebrity Apprentice because Donald Trump likes his kneecaps.

Rapper Nick Cannon is out of the hospital after suffering from “mild kidney failure”.

… Continue to keep him in your prayers, though; after all, he lives with Mariah Carey.

… “Mild kidney failure” is a term Mariah Carey used; it’s kind of like “a little fat”.

Rapper Snoop Dogg was arrested for possession of marijuana.

… He saw the border patrol agents approaching his bus and he peed a little bit right there on the carpet.

… When the agents shouted, “Where’s the drug dog”, Snoop raised his hand.

… He may be sentenced to community service and have to wear a shock collar.

The Salahis crashed my New Year’s Eve party. I’m pretty sure they stole my good silverware.

A dispute between the New York City Opera and the musicians union threatens to cancel the entire season of opera.

… The Commissioner of Baseball reminded negotiators, “Remember, it ain’t over until the fat lady sings.”

A 22-year-old woman survived after her bungee cord snapped and she fell into Africa’s crocodile-filled Zambezi River.

… Somewhere, Charles Darwin is spinning in his grave.

… Paramedics revived the young woman and then made her promise she would never reproduce.

Tiger Woods’ ex-swing coach has a new book coming out about life with Tiger.

… No wonder Tiger Woods fools around; he has a swing coach.

LSU and Alabama played in the BCS Championship Game.

… The Championship Game is always exciting, but let’s face it, this was no Beef O’Brady’s Bowl.

… Early in the game, I could actually smell Brent Musburger’s arthritis cream through the TV.

… The first half had the tension and excitement a “Dora The Explorer” episode.

… 21-0 final; honey badger don’t care and really nobody else does, either.

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2012-01-08T18:59:00.000-08:00

Jerry's back!!

After taking some much needed time off during the holidays, Jerry is back in the joke writing game. I hope your Christmas and New Year's were fabulous. Mine were exciting and very busy.
Thank you to the many, many people who wrote, called, tweeted, Facebooked, text messaged and urinated words on to my front lawn that asked when I'd be writing again. I am doing fine and feeling great.
Let's have a blast in 2012.

Jerry

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2012-01-08T18:54:00.000-08:00

Photo of the Day

...uh, is the free baby old enough to caddie?

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2012-01-08T18:48:00.000-08:00

Monologue Jokes for Monday,

January 9, 2012

The Republican presidential candidates had a debate in New Hampshire on Saturday night.

… Newt was a bit late to the stage; he’d been madly searching for the Tiffany’s store in Manchester.

… Everything went great once newt Gingrich stopped shouting, “Where are the broads?”

Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad plans to visit his good friend Hugo Chavez in Venezuela.

… So, this would be an excellent time to put your Members Only jacket collection on eBay.

Beyoncé gave birth to her first child, a girl, who is named Blue Ivy.

… Initial reports on the Internet that the baby’s name was Ivy Blue were wrong, which is good because who’d want an oddball name like Ivy Blue?

… The baby’s full name is Blue Ivy Carter. Coincidentally and curiously, Jimmy Carter is handing out cigars.

… Personally, I am looking forward to the paternity tests on an upcoming edition of “Maury”.

… Blue Ivy, huh? That reminds me, I’ve got to get the weeds out of the garden.

Kiefer Sutherland will star as Jack Bauer in a film version of the popular TV show “24”.

… At one point in the film, Jack Bauer takes a breath and nearly smiles.

The Girl Scouts are celebrating their 100^th anniversary this year with a brand new cookie.

… It’s made of bran and Metamucil and it smells like mothballs.

Tim Tebow and the Denver Broncos beat the Pittsburgh Steelers in overtime on Sunday.

… God loves Tebow and apparently the new NFL playoff rules.

… A Tim Tebow image just appeared on Justin Bieber’s other calf.

The New York Giants beat the Atlanta Falcons 24-2 in the NFC wild card game, Sunday.

… 24-2 sounds like the first quarter of every Knicks game.

Monday night, it’s LSU versus Alabama in the OMG It’s Finally About To Be Done Bowl.

The Walt Disney Co. is ready to submit a bid in the latest reported attempt to purchase the Los Angeles Dodgers.

… So, the Dodgers may still suck, but at least the bathrooms will be clean.

… Goofy has been running the team the last few years and he is in the middle of divorcing Grumpy.

… There are still no mandatory drugs tests, so having a Doc on the team is a good thing.

2011-11-16T06:23:00.000-08:00

Jerry Perisho in the Seattle Times,

Nov. 16, 2011

I have a joke in one of America's funniest syndicated newspaper columns. It's Dwight Perry's Sideline Chatter column and its in today's Seattle Times. To read the column, click HERE.

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2011-11-15T21:03:00.000-08:00

Childbirth Photo of the Day

... some births are more difficult than others

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2011-11-15T21:00:00.000-08:00

Monologue Jokes for Wednesday,

November 16, 2011

Tuesday was actor Ed Asner’s 82^nd birthday.

… Sadly, his only birthday wish was for a gift certificate to get his back hair braided.

Following his botched answer to a question about Libya, Herman Cain has pledged a clear and concise foreign policy.

… For Secretary of State, he’s going to recruit some guy named Chad.

… As head of the National Restaurant Assn., his foreign experience up to now has been weekly visits to International House of Pancakes.

… He is going to demand Hanukkah services on Christmas Island.

Henry Kissinger, who is 88 years old, turned down Herman Cain’s invitation to be his Secretary of State.

… German-born Henry said, “Nein, nein, nein”.

… Then, they had a good laugh together and Herman asked if he knew any loose German women.

The US Postal Service lost $5.1 billion, last year.

… That can mean only one thing; it’s year-end bonus time for Post Office executives!

… Oh yeah, and about a billion pieces of mail with your name on it.

… Reporters asked Herman Cain what he thought of emails and he said, “Oh, I love the ladies.”

We have a spoiler alert for all you “Twilight Saga” fans. The marriage of Bella Swan to Edward only lasts 72 days.

We have yet another spoiler alert for you “Twilight Saga” fans. At the end of the film, after Bella Swan is married to Edward, she starts fooling around with Jesse James.

The prosecutor’s soon-to-be-published memoir of the Casey Anthony trial is going to be turned into a TV movie.

… It’s the story of a selfish, psychotic nut job who never gets punished for her crimes. So, what better role for Lindsay Lohan?

That huge rush of hot air was either a late summer wind or the NBA Players Assn. disbanding.

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2011-11-14T17:51:00.000-08:00

Sports Photo of the Day

... out of work NBA players look for ways to replace their lost income

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2011-11-14T17:43:00.000-08:00

Monologue Jokes for Tuesday,

November 15, 2011

French Pres. Nicolas Sarkozy wrote a letter of friendship to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu after Sarkozy was heard calling Netanyahu a “liar”.

… Sarkozy must have been sincere because he wrote it on one of France’s very finest white flags.

Newt Gingrich has risen to the top in the polls of potential GOP presidential nominees.

… Across the nation, comedy writers are preparing punch lines that have the word “gelatinous” in them.

… Newt looks like he’s been snorting bleach.

… Newt was so far back in the pack, he’d already agreed to be Santa at the White House Christmas party.

Protestors hope to shut down Wall Street Thursday by holding a street carnival.

… Had they wanted a three-ring circus, they would have held a GOP presidential debate.

After clearing out the Occupy Oakland camp, police found the place a litter-filled cesspool.

… In other words, the occupiers hadn't touched a thing.

Reality TV star JWOWW of “Jersey Shore” fame was patted down by TSA agents at an airport in Fargo, ND.

… She went to Fargo to see how Steve Buscemi’s face wound was healing.

… People in Fargo had never before seen any person that odd shade of orange.

… Fargo has an airport?

I was disappointed to learn that the new film “Happy Feet Two” is not the love story of an attention-seeking foot model who marries a foot fetishist.

NBA players rejected the owners’ latest offer and began disbanding their union.

… The motion to disband has to pass a vote of the players and of course Kobe Bryant isn’t willing to pass anything.

… Now, if we could just do that with the United Auto Workers.

NBA players and team owners appear so selfish they could almost be members of congress. Of course, members of congress are far wealthier.

The No. 1 topic of discussion at the NBA contract talks: Did Kim Kardashian really marry that dork Humphries?

New York Yankees star Derek Jeter’s high school in Kalamazoo, MI named its baseball field after him.

… Immediately after the ceremony, actress Minka Kelly was seen spitting on it.

Slugger Matt Kemp signed an 8-year contract extension with the LA Dodgers for $160 million.

… The deal doesn’t come without pain, though; Frank McCourt was forced to sell a pinky ring.

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2011-11-13T18:28:00.000-08:00

Christmas Ad of the Day

... in the 1950's, Mrs. Claus was hot and she ironed shirts

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2011-11-13T18:24:00.000-08:00

Monologue Jokes for Monday

November 14, 2011

GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry’s debate forgetfulness has hurt his chances of being nominated.

… Congratulations to Rick Perry for making Michele Bachmann look like Abe Lincoln, except Abe had prettier skin.

… Now, he is behind Mitt Romney, Herman Cain and uh, oh gee what’s the third one? Oops!

… Don’t mess with, uh, oh what it is again? Dammit!

Following the resignation of Oscar producer Brett Ratner, host Eddie Murphy also resigned and was replaced by Billy Crystal.

… Since Murphy’s material has been written for months, get ready to watch Billy Crystal struggle as Buckwheat.

Howard Stern is in negotiations to replace Piers Morgan as a judge on “America’s Got Talent”.

… Soon, not only will we know where the ventriloquist is from, but we’ll also know if he’s wearing thong underwear.

… “We’ll let you move to the next round if you show us your nipple piercings.”

Pippa Middleton, beautiful sister of the bride at the most recent Royal wedding, has broken up with her boyfriend.

… I have a friend who’d like to hit on Pippa and is wondering which brand of chewing tobacco she uses.

Black Sabbath is coming out with a new album.

… There is great news; each album will come with its very own interpreter.

Parents at a California elementary school are upset that porn star Sasha Grey read a story to a first grade class.

… The story she chose was “The Really Big, Very Bad Wolf”.

… The principal said the young teacher had shown bad judgment and would get a good spanking.

Parents are sending away for lollipops that have been licked by a child who has the chicken pox so their own children can get the disease.

… That’s a lot of effort when all they have to do is have their kids lick the handle on a shopping cart at the neighborhood grocery store.

A newborn baby in Nigeria was added to a government payroll where it earned $150 a month.

… It is demanding a raise at the Occupy Pampers sit-in.

… He’s the one whose been emailing you about your Nigerian prince relatives.

There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that Penn State coach Joe Paterno will be replaced by Billy Crystal.

Duke basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski tied Bobby Knight for the most wins in a coaching career.

… In the category of “most folding chairs thrown across the floor in anger”, Knight still leads.

Reggie Bush scored two touchdowns for the Miami Dolphins, Sunday.

… Guess who’s got that “Kim Kardashian’s feeling lonely” adrenaline pumping through him again.

Buffalo Bills receiver David Nelson caught a touchdown pass and presented the ball to his girlfriend, a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader.

… It was an amazing moment; even Jerry Jones’ frozen face had a perplexed expression.

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2011-11-11T07:51:00.000-08:00

Veteran's Day

... today, we salute and remember America's fallen heroes

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2011-11-09T18:59:00.000-08:00

Photo of the Day

... it's the very reason Hector's friends call him a party pooper

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2011-11-09T18:54:00.000-08:00

Monologue Jokes for Thursday,

November 10, 2011

It was on this date in 1975 that the “Edmund Fitzgerald” sank during a storm in Lake Superior.

… On this day every year, singer Gordon Lightfoot quietly sobs into a pile of money and old record albums.

Because of critical remarks about Benjamin Netanyahu overheard on a live microphone, Pres. Obama may lose the support of Jews who voted for him previously.

… That means he’ll lose the vote of that one Jewish guy who mismarked his ballot.

The most powerful snowstorm in forty years battered much of the Alaska coast, Wednesday.

… Russians said they could see Sarah Palin’s goose bumps from their front porches.

… Alaskans were hoping the storm would follow the new Alaskan tradition and stop half way through.

There is controversy on the hit show “Glee” as several of the kids had sex for the first time.

… One thing you must realize though, these high school kids are all in their early 30’s.

… I didn’t know you could have sex for the first time without crying and then running home in embarrassment.

Today, after pal Brett Ratner decide to leave the Academy Awards show as its producer, Eddie Murphy decided he would back out of the job of emcee.

… Later, Tom Cruise said he was tired of posing as a model for the statuette.

Zsa Zsa Gabor was rushed to the hospital again on Wednesday.

… If she were 70 years younger, her reality TV show would be kicking the Kardashian’s ass.

… Zsa Zsa has had nine husbands; whenever someone mentions that to her, they have to take her to the hospital.

Walmart may be getting into healthcare.

… Soon, on your way out the door, the Walmart greeter will check your receipt and your prostate.

… If anybody is getting into the business of feeling for lumps and growths, I’m thinking it should be the TSA.

This weekend, Penn State will be wearing white jerseys with vertical stripes.

Retired 7-foot, 6-inch NBA center Yao Ming has gone back to college in Shanghai.

… So, it appears his dream of being a Triple Crown jockey never materialized.

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2011-11-08T18:38:00.000-08:00

Holiday Gift Photo of the Day

... grandma's crocheted short shorts

make a great Christmas present for any man

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