Monologue Jokes for Wednesday,
January 25, 2012
All of the Academy Award nominees have been announced.
… Billy Crystal is horrified; in his opening video, he may have to help Melissa McCarthy take a dump in a sink.
… Martin Scorsese's eyebrows are Michael Dukakis with a touch of Andy Rooney and a little Wally Moon.
… If they made a movie about women I dated, it would be called “Extremely Loud and Incredible Close Minded”.
… Immediately, Tom Cruise began posing for the Oscar statues.
Tuesday night was Pres. Obama’s State of the Union Address.
… Perhaps the biggest shock of the night was the people sitting with Mrs. Obama; the Allstate Mayhem Guy sitting with Flo from Progressive Insurance.
… Everybody received a big standing ovation, except the captain of that Italian cruise ship.
GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney finally released his tax returns for 2010 and 2011.
… He was a little late; it’s always hard to get those interest statements from your banks in the Cayman Islands.
… Romney has been running for this office for 6 years, but just recently closed a Swiss bank account; the advice he gets from H. Block is solid, but R. Block is a loser.
… Who knew graying your temples was tax deductible?
India’s Sikh community is seeking an apology from Jay Leno.
… Conan O’Brien said, “Yeah, good luck with that.”
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange plans to start his own TV talk show.
… We’re pretty sure nothing is going to be bleeped out.
A huge solar storm may cause disruptions in satellite communications over the next couple of days.
… If you’re lucky, the next GOP debate will be nothing but a test pattern.
… On the bright side, you can step outside and get a golden bronze tan in 12 seconds.
For the first time in nearly 60 years, employees at Disneyland will be allowed to grow beards.
… New twist to old fairy tales: “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, throw down your Fu Manchu.”
… Snow White promised to keep hers neatly trimmed.
… Featured every day in the Tomorrowland Plaza: ZZ Top.
… Somewhere, the guy who drew the short straw is gluing a fake beard on the frozen head of Walt Disney.
The guy who invented WD-39 was just this close to being a billionaire.
The Los Angeles Clippers lead the Pacific Division in the NBA.
… Even the Mayans are saying, “Whoa, we did not see that one coming.”
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