Monday, December 6, 2010

Monologue jokes for Pearl Harbor Day, Tuesday December 7, 2010

Today is Pearl Harbor Day. Remember this day in 1941 and those brave service men and women who lost their lives.

“I knew a guy who didn’t like Japanese people or black people. So, every Dec. 7th, he’d attack Pearl Bailey.” A favorite joke of my deceased friend Jim Bale

The Supreme Court will consider throwing out a case against Wal-Mart claiming women are paid less than men.
… Wal-Mart’s attorneys will be wearing orange hot pants, tube tops, and UGG boots.
… Most of the judges recused themselves from the case because they buy their robes at Wal-Mart.

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange suggests that Pres. Obama should resign from office.
… Assange just became the White House’s most hated man, next to the guy who elbowed Obama in the mouth.

WikiLeaks released details of sites that are vital to US national interests.
… Vital national interests? Cool, WikiLeaks is going to reveal secrets about Hooters.
… Among them are a cobalt mine in the Congo, a Canadian power plant, and the company making artificial tanner used by the cast of “Jersey Shore”.

Sarah Palin says she is not interested in being RNC chairman.
… Of course, she thinks RNC stands for Resuscitate Non-living Caribou.

Kate Gosselin and her brood made a very special visit to “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” cable show.
… And you thought cable TV couldn’t get any worse.
… When the Gosselin kids say, “What an idiot,” they’re no longer referring to their dad.
… Thank God I taped a collection of old Roni Deutsch commercials I can watch instead.

A musician who went into a London sandwich shop for a bite to eat had his $1.9 million Stradivarius violin stolen.
… On the brighter side, the beef in the sandwich was really lean and the veggies were fresh.
… Oh, boo-hoo; I’d play a violin if I had one.

Two men arrested at the USC-UCLA parking lot brawl have been charged with resisting arrest.
… Meanwhile, UCLA has been charged with impersonating a college football team.

The Denver Broncos fired coach Josh McDaniels.
… Actually, I thought he had “Sarah Palin’d” himself some time ago.
… There is no word yet on a replacement, but officials think the team will be better off just calling their own plays.