Executive Pay
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner says he has no plans to place caps on the earnings potential of banking executives.
… Whew, thanks Tim; if that doesn’t teach them a lesson, I don’t know what will!
… That can mean only one thing; right now Tim is negotiating a deal to run a bank of his very own.
LA Earthquake
That 4.7 earthquake that struck LA Sunday night served as a reminder that there are certain steps you have to take to be prepared.
… For instance, I began to restock a supply of food in my kitchen at home. Friends went home and secured their water heater so that it wouldn’t fall. The Dodgers did the same thing with their 55-gallon drums of female fertility drugs.
Hubble
The space shuttle astronauts finally finished the repairs on the Hubble telescope.
… They worked for eight hours at a time in those hot, enclosed space suits. They were sweating like Joe the Plumber working on Nancy Pelosi’s clogged toilet.
Auto Fuel
President Obama earlier today proposed the most aggressive increase in US auto fuel efficiencies ever.
… He identified an untapped and abundant fuel supply; chucks of food on Barney Frank’s ties.
Biden’s Hideout
Joe Biden accidentally revealed the location of the Vice President’s secret bunker (the Naval Observatory in the center of D.C.).
… It’s stocked with a 90-day supply of food, water and Rogaine.
Republicans
A new Gallup poll shows the Republican Party has lost 10% of its college-educated voters since 2001.
… The other 90% are living off-shore on the cash their dads are hiding from the IRS.
Mel Gibson
Mel Gibson’s Russian singer girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva, is pregnant with his baby.
… That’s one woman who knows what’s under William Wallace’s kilt.
… Mel is 53 years old, but still packs a lethal weapon under his kilt.
Finale of “24”
Did you see Monday night’s finale of “24”? It was very exciting. Counter-terrorist agent Jack Bauer has been infected with a bioweapon and is in a coma.
… As the credits rolled, a line of fashion designers was forming to head-butt him in his sleep.
Snow at Cannes
At the Cannes Film Festival Monday, Disney placed fake snow around the Carlton Hotel to help market a movie.
… That’s a risky thing to do around Hollywood types. Half the crowd dove on the ground with rolled-up 100 Euro bills in their noses.
Blago’s Wife
The wife of ousted Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich is considering going to the NBC reality show “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here”.
… The show’s producers have asked her to work on bolstering her smarminess and creepiness.
Jonas Brothers
Riot police were called out to protect the hotel where the Jonas Brothers are staying in Lima. Peru.
… I had to call the riot police once when I was on a music tour. Unhappy concert-goers kept pelting my Pinto with rocks and bottles.
Penelope Cruz
Penelope Cruz had to miss an event at the Cannes Film Festival after suffering food poisoning.
… I have never seen it personally, but I’ll bet Penelope Cruz is even hot when she’s barfing.
Turn off your Computer
Speaking at commencement at the Univ. of Pennsylvania Monday, the CEO of Google encouraged students to “turn off your computer” and interact with other humans.
… Six thousand graduates looked up from their laptops and asked, “What did he say?”
… So each student pledged to slip on some latex gloves, don a face mask, zip up their hazmat suits, and meet another human in the next year.
Hotel Crimes
A new report shows that hotel crimes are on the rise during the recession.
… Like saying your room has a “king bed” simply because King, the hotel owner’s dog, sleeps on it; now, that’s a crime!
Calling 9-1-1
An Ohio man called 9-1-1 when his 28-year-old son who still lives at home was angry that he had to clean his room.
… Finally the man put his son on restriction and said he couldn’t ride his bike to the strip club for a week.
Calling 9-1-1, part 2
Two men in Florida called 911 after they were robbed at gunpoint while trying to buy marijuana.
… They asked if the officers could bring a few snacks with them, too.
Anne Boleyn
It was on this date in 1536 that Anne Boleyn, the second wife of King Henry VIII, was beheaded.
… In Washington, Bill Clinton called the head of the Smithsonian Museum and asked, “How’d he get rid of his first wife? Same kind of deal?”
Calaveras County
It was on this date in 1928 that the first annual Calaveras County "Frog Jumping Jubilee" was held in Angel's Camp, California.
… It was held on this date every year until the big Frog Flu Pandemic of 1938.
Michael Phelps
A stripper claims she had three-way sex with Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps for three hours.
… She said it was great even though Michael had a little trouble with his flip turn.
Body Building
The Belgian bodybuilding championship was cancelled this weekend after all the competitors fled when the drug testers arrived.
… Back in LA, Dodgers outfielder Manny Ramirez said, “You can do that?”
Egyptian Pigs
The World Society for the Protection of Animals is criticizing Egypt for the cruel way in which 300,000 pigs were killed out of fear of swine flu.
… On a more positive note, the cost of footballs will be way down this season.
